Poem: I Hate Love

Just a poem I wrote that I wanted to share with anyone who cares. Here's the link to it on my Writer's Cafe if you'd rather read it there or something: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/AshiraCartel/737211/

Now here's the actual poem:

"I Hate Love"

by Ashira Cartel

5/28/11

I hate love.

I hate love because I get the butterflies in my stomach whenever I see him.

I hate love because my heartbeat quickens at the sound of his voice.

I hate love because I feel like melting when he hugs me.

I hate love because I don’t know when it’s ok to casually say “I love you” to him anymore.

I hate love because it’s confusing.

I hate love because I oftentimes confuse it for hate.

I hate love because I don’t understand it, and therefore don’t truly know how I feel.

I hate love because I hate feeling bipolar: “He’s a terrible person.” Yet, “He’s the best thing since…ever.”
I hate love because it’s contradicting.

I hate love because I hate how hearing his name can both cheer me up and shoot me down.

I hate love because it started out great, then crushed me from the inside out later.

I hate love because I can’t sleep anymore, and when I do I only wake up crying.

I hate love because I hate dreaming about him then waking up alone.

I hate love because it doesn’t matter if the dreams about him are good or bad " they both hurt.

I hate love because it just sucks the energy right out of me.

I hate love because I cry a lot more now.
I hate love because I hate feeling this weak.

I hate love because I hate admitting I’ve gone soft.

I hate love because every time I tell myself I’m going cold, I see him and my emotions run wild.

I hate love because I have a lot more trust issues now.

I hate love because love lately has nothing but negative connotations.

I hate love because I wish I could smile a genuine smile again, and it hurts to know I can’t.
I hate love because I wish I could be truly happy, and it hurts to know I can’t be.

I hate love because it triggers my depression.

I hate love because I hate feeling pathetic.

I hate love because I hate feeling ugly.

I hate love because I hate feeling disgusting.

I hate love because I hate feeling worthless.

I hate love because I hate feeling sad.

I hate love because I hate feeling invisible.

I hate love because I hate feeling like the best I can be is second best.

I hate love because it makes me feel like a constant downer.

I hate love because I hate feeling like I’m being too obsessive at the same time as not loving enough.

I hate love because it makes me feel all these emotions at once and more, but never are they positive.

I hate love because I both want to forget everything and cling to the memories of him.

I hate love because I hate how thinking of the good times we had makes the pain worse.

I hate love because what used to make me happy only makes me sad now.

I hate love because I hate how seeing him kills me, but being away from him kills me as well.

I hate love because just being friends is never enough for me, yet a relationship with him isn’t an option.

I hate love because even if a relationship with him was an option, I’d be too scared to take it.

I hate love because I’ll never have another chance; I ruined my first one.

I hate love because I know I’ll never have a chance, but I can’t help but hope that maybe I’m wrong.

I hate love because the only thing I can do about it is write these crappy poems and hope he reads them.

I hate love because I hate hoping he’ll read my poems just as much as I hope he won’t.

I hate love because I hate when he does read them and all they do is piss him off.

I hate love because I hate blaming myself for how he feels, regardless of if it’s my fault or not.

I hate love because I hate hating myself.

I hate love because I hate blaming myself for what he did to me.

I hate love because I hate knowing what I did wrong and being unable to fix it.

I hate love because I never regret anything except the things I did wrong to him.

I hate love because I hate wondering if his life would be better without me in it.

I hate love because as little as I want to die, I contemplate suicide at least once a day.

I hate love because I hate knowing that I’m willing to die for him and he’s not willing to die for me.

I hate love because it makes me question my every action with: “Will he take this the wrong way?”

I hate love because hurting him is the last thing I want to do, yet I wish karma gets him at the same time.

I hate love because even though I want karma to hit him, I just die at the thought of him being unhappy.

I hate love because he’s all I think about, but she’s all he thinks about.

I hate love because song lyrics about break ups strike my very soul now.

I hate love because I hate feeling tears roll down my cheeks simply because I played one of these songs.

I hate love because I hate my parents trying to give me advice from an adult’s perspective, not my own.

I hate love because even though I know I’m not alone, I feel as though I am; that nobody understands.

I hate love because I hate admitting to jealousy and envy rather than being happy with what I have.

I hate love because being in love is killing me inside yet keeping me alive.

I hate love because I try and try to just get over him, but this only makes the pain worse.

I hate love because everyone tells me to give up and move on without realizing I simply can’t.

I hate love because now that I’m in love, everyone around me is giving up on me one by one.

I hate love because it’s driving me more and more insane every passing day.

I hate love because I don’t know what to do about my situation.

I hate love because whenever I think I know what to do, I take action and it only makes matters worse.

I hate love because I hate the physical pain in my chest that strikes every time I see him.

I hate love because I hate not being able to breathe when I’m in the same room as him for too long.

I hate love because it causes me physical pain on top of emotional.

I hate love because it inflicted me with the worst damage ever, and these wounds will never heal.

I hate love because he’s got me wrapped around his finger, and he knows it.

I hate love because he can toy with my heart all he wants and I can’t do a thing about it.

I hate love because I hate knowing that he could do anything to me and I’d still love him.

I hate love because I’d wait forever for him, and he’ll make me wait that long.

I hate love because I can’t stop loving him.

I hate love because he doesn’t care for me the same way I care for him.

I hate love because I hate the cliché “I love you enough to let you go.”

I hate love because I hate how after all I did for him, he repays me with scorn.

I hate love because love hates me…or at least he does.

Ashira's Forums

Ashira's Forums are up :D Follow this link and jooooooin: http://ashirasforums.proboards.com/

Random Music of the Moment: Project DIVA everything O.o lolz

Random Art of the Moment: This adorable video X3 That dance is just so cute lolz

Random End Note: I betcha you won't last the whole hour listening to it like I can XD

I just needed to rant

I've been worried about two of my closest friends and just kinda needed to rant about it. I'll start here I suppose; I just sent this text message to my best friend Kay Kay:

I just needed to tell someone this...just get my emotions out. You don't have to reply or anything and sorry if I just bothered you. I hope it's ok that I just ranted: I just realized how much my emotions are going to contradict once this whole Kaiine-Raa fight thing is over no matter what the outcome. Cuz if they get back to being happy and come out of this with a stronger bond I'm going to be happy for them, but I'm also going to be really sad for myself cuz it only means he's more in love with Kaiine and less in love with me. If they can't seem to work it out and end up breaking up, I'm going to want to go for him because I'm in love with him and don't wanna miss a good chance, but I'm also not going to want to because I'd feel that might be wrong to do to Kaiine and I don't really wanna date in high school either. Not only that but I realized how jealous I really am deep down... I feel like a bitch for thinking this, but when Raa and I were on the phone and he asked me for advice, I kept thinking "It would be easier if you were with me. I'd listen, I wouldn't bitch you out like her. I'd make you happier. I'd never let you feel like second best and if I failed at that I'd sure as hell make it up to you." and other shit like that. At the time I thought it was ok to think and just let it happen but now I feel like a bitch, like any other high school girl who missed their ex enough to bash their best friend's face in just cuz they're happy with their ex...if that made sense. I don't wanna be that girl, but sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is the right approach. I was so desperate that I asked my dad, my DAD who I never go to for relationship advice, and still didn't get a clear answer. I dunno if I hate or love love, but I do know that seeing him smile and laugh with her not just cuz that moment was funny or good or cuz he was faking, but because he's genuinely happy...that makes it feel kinda worth it. Still I have to go and think like a bitch and say "I wish you'd pick me" when I don't want to be that selfish. I just want him to be happy... I just wish it didn't hurt me so damn much. And I wonder a lot if he'll ever love me back one day. I don't think he will but I still keep trying as if I have a chance.

Ok, now let me explain. I'm not gonna put too much up because I don't wanna just tell the world about my friends' lives as if they're a TV drama or something, but I'll explain what's going on. Long story short, Raa and Kaiine were having a few issues. Raa felt he was second best and when he brought this up to Kaiine she bitched him out and got pissed off. This was because he felt he was second best to a play that she'd been working on and devoting herself too for a while, and she thought that him thinking he was second place to a play was ridiculous. This situation only made Raa feel more down on himself than ever, and didn't accomplish or solve anything. In fact, it made everything worse.

My involvement: A concerned friend who's worried about their relationship and happiness. I'm trying to avoid any more involvement than that for these reasons:
A) I'm Raa's ex, and getting involved in their affairs even if they want me to could result in them blaming me for everything and assuming I'm trying to sabotage their relationship so that I can get with Raa again.
B) I don't want to over step any lines we may have [silently yet mutually] agreed should not be crossed when trying to help out one another. This simply means I don't want to seem like [or actually end up doing O.o] I'm trying to take their problems into my hands, take lead, and solve them my way regardless of what they want.

I talked to a couple friends about it before I did anything, but my original plan was that if things didn't get better in a couple of days, I'd take matters into my own hands and I'd sit Raa and Kaiine in a room together and basically just say "Talk." Taking the very good advice of NOT doing that, I had a change of plan. Now how I'm dealing with it is I've told both Raa and Kaiine that the most I want to be involved is listening to them if they just need to talk, giving advice if they want it, and if they end up sitting and talking about it I've offered to be with them as nothing more than a neutral in-between that'll prevent the two from blowing up at each other again...so long as they want me as opposed to someone else.

I wonder if that's what I should have done, however. I'm feeling bad because I am still in love with Raa and sometimes what I say is a tad bias. Also, it's hard for me to say "If I was in the situation..." because saying something like that may put them off, or encourage them to think that I'm trying to get back with him. I really, really don't want them to assume that. I love them both so very much, and I want them to know that even if I am in love with Raa still, I'd rather him be happy in the situation he's in than him be less happy than he could be with me. I guess they know that...but still, I'm really scared that this situation could turn deadly for me with one wrong statement, one wrong way of wording the advice I'm giving... I'm walking on thin ice, essentially.

I'm beginning to doubt myself here too. I've realized that no matter what the outcome of this situation, part of the blame could very well come back to me, and whether it does or doesn't just doesn't matter. No matter how it all ends up, I'll be stuck with contradicting emotions.

I plan to tell them I can't do it if it seems like the jealous ex side of me starts showing up, but until then I really hope what I'm doing is the best thing. I'm so damn worried about them...I really am.

On top of that, I really wanna talk to Raa about something really freaking and kinda confusing that happened to me. This is a totally true story, I swear on my life. I wanna talk to Raa about it cuz I talked to Kaiine and she said I should speak up. I've been a bit paranoid because of it lately and I'm thinking I should tell him...I was going to tonight but for some reason it just didn't feel like it was so big a deal as his problems and that I should leave it be. I'll probably tell him eventually, but until then I guess I'll just be freaking out and paranoid...

That's all I really needed to say to get myself to sleep tonight...which is a good thing cuz too much longer and I'd hardly have any sleep at all. Goodnight

Random End Art: I've always wanted butterfly wings on my back as a tattoo...it's one of the things that I'm most excited to do...but I'm trying to think of exactly what wings I want. For the past year and a half I've been thinking about just blue butterfly wings, but I want something more meaningful. Tigers are really important to me too, seeing as the tiger is my spirit guide. So... do you think that something like this is meaningful? Or because it's been done so many times before [that it's kinda popular] that it wouldn't be so meaningful? Cuz I REALLY don't wanna get something that I'll regret getting... I wanna think long and hard about this. But I also wouldn't mind advice. I dunno. What do you think?
Random Music of the Moment: This song is just really important to me... I've actually only been listening to strictly this artist lately.
Random End Note: I don't think I'm gonna accomplish anything that I'm wanting to accomplish until summer break hits... *sighs*