Hate...

I hate living under my own roof. I know it's typical for a teenager to complain about not being able to get out of their house, but whatever. I still feel that way. I've ALWAYS felt that way. The times I've wanted to stay here are few and far between...

I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared of being in the huge world on my own. I'm not too thrilled about the idea of being out there and having the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I honestly feel that moving out would be way better than staying here with this fucking insane family. ['scuse my French...]

My parents have no idea how to properly discipline. They think that talking everything out like we're two year olds is the way to fix things. Sometimes talking does solve stuff, but they way they do it is just ridiculous. For example, Sunday night...oh god...

Aubrey and I were just hanging out in my room and we were goofing around and having fun. An inside joke we have is where I take her slinky, put it under my shirt, say it's in my belly and when she asks for it back I take it out and hold it up high saying "Do as I say!" and if she does some menial task for me that requires next to no effort, like give me a pencil or something, I'll give it back. Sometimes she doesn't even have to do that. We were just joking around, though, and I wasn't asking much. Anyway, I did that and then asked her to get my backpack for me and she blatantly told me no. I told her the least she could do after sleeping in my room last night and if she was gonna be in my room now was to move my backpack a little bit over for me. She then started screaming at me about how I treated her like my personal slave and kicked my backpack around until some stuff fell out and walked out saying "get it yourself". I didn't wanna fight and said ok but then just to get on my nerves she said "and you can pick up my clothes [from that morning when she was getting dressed for school that she'd left on the floor of my room and was going to pick up when she left for the night] yourself too".

In response, I replied, "You know my rules...leave it here, it's mine. Take your clothes or never wear that outfit again if I'm feeling that mean," and that's a rule I've had for like 2 or 3 years now so it's not some new, mean thing I made up special for the moment because this kinda stuff happens ALL THE TIME. So, my mom, who listened in, told her to pick up her clothes and she mumbled "I will," but my mom didn't hear her so she repeated herself. My sister screams, "I WILL!" and my dad came in and scolded her for it. Now in a seriously pissed mood, my sister comes back in my room to get her clothes but has to move Mr. Jones's [my dog's] bed to do it. So she picks it up and half throws it a couple feet away. While she was picking up her clothes, the bed had hit the wall and came back and hit her. So she freaked out and threw it across my room, hitting my window and nearly Mr. Jones in the process, as well as nearly knocking down two flower pots onto him as well. If she had thrown it with a little better aim the pots would have fallen on my dog as well as his bed which would have seriously hurt him.

She had never done something that rash before Monday. It's not the first time I've felt this way, but I'm tired of the way she treats everyone in our house. After she left, I yelled at her and said "You don't treat people and things like dirt. You appreciate what you get, and you learn how to control your anger. You can't justify everything with you didn't mean it or you were mad, because it all comes down to you did it and there's nothing else to say."

When my parents came home, they treated it like everything else she does. "Aubrey, you don't do that. Savannah, you're not the parent." And it's that loose discipline that gets her to do these kind of things and get away with it. If I had done that, my phone would have gotten taken away and I'd have been grounded from the computer for like a week minimum, but she does it and she just gets told "That's wrong. You don't do that."

At first I was like "It pisses me off quite a bit, but I can't do anything about it so I'm letting it go for now. When I move out I'm gonna basically cut off 99% of communication with them." but now I'm just plain pissed off.

Every damn day it has to be SOMETHING with Aubrey... She just HAS to pick a fight, and then a lot of the time when she's mad she hits me and when I do something about it and she gets in trouble EVERYTHING she did wrong she somehow didn't mean to do. You didn't mean to lift your hand and smack my arm? "I was turning around," she responds. Um...no you weren't and even if you were, you just fling your arms around like a friggin' retard when you turn around? "No," she says. Then you need to re-think your lies, moron.

She just knows how to push my buttons. I mean, I'm not saying that everything she does is wrong and what I say goes - that's just ignorant - but lately she does seem to be the one to start every little spat we have, and the fact that my parents aren't doing shit except getting on my case about how much older I am and that I know better, and the only things they tell her are "Stop yelling, quit trying to annoy your sister," and a bunch of other stuff that's like "really? She just hit me and you're telling me that you only care about that part of the problem...?" Oi...

Sorry to anyone who bothered to read...I just needed to rant

Old stuff, but...

This stuff is from a little while back when I actually first saw this videos some time last year, but I wanted to put it in a real blog post for you guys to actually see lolz

Responses to a Video #1:

Here's the videos I'm responding to:

First, Teen Werewolves. Second: Wolfie Blackheart.

I'll start with the Wolfie Blackheart News story and go from there...If you're like me, and didn't hear about this story in January, here's a briefing:

A 23 year old girl, Sarah R., who goes by the name "Wolfie Blackheart" has a hobby of taxidermy, and supposedly took it to far, as the news stated. She claims her friend gave her the dog, already dead [named Shadow, hit by a car] and said she could do whatever. Wolfie then decapitated it, posting the pictures on MySpace, and boiled it in order to keep the skull for herself. Her neighbor was looking at the pictures and said, "Oh my god...that's Rigsby," which is the name of the dog that went missing about a week before or something. Her neighbor accused her of animal cruelty, thinking she be-headed her dog.

Oh, and did I mention that she thinks she's a werewolf?

Yeah...because of that, another news cast showed up referring to her pack at school: Teen Werewolves.

First off, really who cares what she believes? So what if she believes she's a werewolf? So what if she wears a tail, a collar, and a leash? WHO CARES? The news is just exploiting them in order to get people's attention. I think that's just wrong.

But the videos are up, the news got their story, and people keep responding with "you're so stupid!" or "yeah! Fight for us werewolves!" and I think both sides don't even matter. They may wear tails and believe some pretty out-of-the-norm things, but they're not doing anything really that bad besides violating the school dress code...seriously, they're not as big a deal as people are making them out to be.

Now with that in mind, that what Wolfie/Sarah believes and her personal life is totally irrelevant, do you believe that she was innocent or guilty and why?

Personally, I think she may be in the middle, and that her friend is to blame. I believe that yes, she did probably get Rigsby, but that he was dead and her friend either lied or made an honest mistake about the dog's identity. Then she cut off it's head and kept it's skull, and that her worst charges should be/have been for something related to the dog's body not being her property. Taxidermy is just something she does - stop hating her because she may have made a mistake. I'm not saying love her though, either, because she believes she's a werewolf and that made the story much bigger than it really was.

What do you think? Without being a hater, and also without being a lover of werewolves, do you believe she was innocent or guilty and why? Also, what do you think of the werewolves thing? Again, don't be a hater OR a lover, and just answer simply: Do you believe in them or not and do you agree that the news should just leave these people alone and stop exploiting them for a good story?

Response to a Video #2

Just felt like ranting in response to a video I saw on YouTube. Click here to see the video I'm talking about.

The military is a complicated issue. Some believe war is unjust and completely wrong, others believe war is the only answer in many situations. Personally, I am in the middle. I believe humanity has pushed themselves into a corner when it comes to barbaric acts of violence.

Humans are naturally selfish and greedy. Without this, humanity would not survive. It's a natural aspect of human life. But it's both a blessing and a curse - it keeps a humans alive seeing as we are greedy for food, water, shelter, and the will to fight and survive; we naturally want what keeps us alive. You can see where being a human is such a wonderful thing in InuYasha the Movie 3: Swords of an Honorable Ruler when InuYasha is fighting Souunga, he is struck down but he gets back up again and says, "Because I inherited human blood, I'm bad at giving up" [just because I'm quoting an anime doesn't mean my intentions are childish. Anime can be serious and just like real people can have emotional, meaningful moments]. However, a human's selfish and greedy tendencies make them hard to work with nature, since mankind thought [some still do] that nature is a force that can be worked with and controlled just like a weakening beast. The world is disintegrating and humanity is at fault. Not only is humanity destroying the place we live, but also itself.

In this video, Onision is saying that the only answer is peace and that as a nation, as a world, if we all stand up and refuse to kill one another that the world will be a peaceful, wonderful place. Death is not the answer when in a battle, but understanding and simpathy. To a sense, he is correct. If we can talk something over, why risk any life for the solution? But there are times when we cannot just sit and watch. Speech only goes so far, as strong as words may be, and actions speak loudly. Violence is not the answer, but this is a concept that not everybody understands. For is theivery wrong when you have no money to pay for the food you'll die without? It's hard to say...they should have asked or tried to find the money, but they're starving and weak. Violence is the same too. Is it wrong to kill for the purpose of saving a life? A life for a life is a very hard to grasp concept. I believe that here it's the intention that matters. If your intentions are to live and become something great, to help others in need, then steal the food. Survive and thrive. If your intentions are to protect someone or yourself, do all you can and hurt or even kill this other person if it is the only thing you can do. If you are stealing this food to live for yourself, only to get what you want and to become a rich and selfish person then leave the food for someone who really needs it. If you're planning on acting violently for a selfish, unnecessary reason then why even try? If there's another, better option, take it.

When a terrorist attacks, you don't expect us to all sit back and scream at them to stop while they kill us all blindly, do you? No man is all good. The greed sometimes consumes a person, and power, money, or other personal wants get in the way or a person's ability to care about what is right or wrong. When somebody with a knife breaks into your home and is telling you what to do, do you grab the gun in your dresser, the sword hanging on your wall, the vase or bottle on your kitchen table, or any other form defense and fight to protect your home and all that's in it, or do you stand idly by trying to scream words of peace into this lunatic's mind as they ransack your home? Violence isn't the answer, they say, but when it's for a good cause you can be rightfully called a hero. What if you end up killing this person? My religion teaches me that if something is gone, then it's supposed to be gone. It also has a threefold law, "What ye send forth comes back to thee three times three times three". Don't blame yourself, they did something wrong and it came back to them. Karma. It's what the Universe willed. If you're not religious, then you protected your family and your home. As long as you can go on living, it's ok that they died. They were at fault and should have realized this risk before they set foot on your property with negative intentions and turned around.

It's a sad truth, but humans aren't usually willing to sacrifice for a stranger. Even if they are, there's at least much less of an emotional desire to. If you are trying to stop the bleeding in a stranger's stomach and they die of blood loss before you are able to, you are not going to feel as strongly as you would if that person was someone close to you. Keeping this in mind, people are naturally a little more closed minded when it comes to saving lives. When you are in a war, you are fighting for your country, you are fighting to keep your society going, you are fighting for the lives of your people. In this sense, those serving in the military, especially those in Iraq, don't really think much of those on the opposing side. Now as human beings we of course do, but as a country we are thinking of what we believe to be wrong and right. I don't know much about the war, but I do know that what we're fighting for is what we believe is a cause worth fighting for, even if that means literally fighting and risking our lives [I say "our" in reference to those who agree with the reasons, not America's voice as a whole. I'm not putting down the fact that we have freedom of speech].

Don't judge the military as a whole. Yes, it is wrong to kill. It should be avoided for the reasons stated in the video: that person is just as good as you are, whether you personally like or dislike them. They have a family and friends just like you do. But its the intentions you have. Are you going to war to protect your country at the cost of life, or are you going to war because of your bloodlust and your desire to ruin the lives of men fighting for their country as well?

Cheeze and Rice...

Oh wow, it's been quite some time for me and my blog...I've gotta learn to actually work on this thing O.o

So let's see...where to begin...? Well, maybe I'll start here: YouTube. I'm actually in the middle of an upload week right now that ends on Saturday. Here's the informational video about it, and if you wanna see the rest of the videos they're up on my YouTube channel.

If you're looking for project updates, I don't really have any that I'm up to repeating, so look on my YT channel and my websites...which, by the way I now have 2 versions. Ashira's Notebook1.0 is with my old host, weebly, and is no longer receiving any updates. I have no plans to delete it at the moment, but in the future that could change so enjoy it while it's up guys. Then I have Ashira's Notebook2.0 which I like a LOT more for plenty of reason that you can see on the homepage there. It gets updated...I don't wanna say often cuz I have random disappearances, but it gets updated lolz

So now for the crazy part...mah life. My life has been going pretty much insane right now. I've found a college I want to go to [CU-Boulder] and have been working my ASS off in school in order to make that happen. I've also gone through a weird phase in my love-life that I'll give you the general info behind, but please don't press me for details kay? 'kay. :3

So I was with my boyfriend, Andrew, and after he left for college we were together for a few months. Over those few last months, I considered leaving him because I honestly felt like I was holding him back. He called me with every moment of his free time even when I told him to take some time for himself and to rest, and ended up becoming so stressed that he got sick a few times due to, as said, stress as well as lack of sleep, family problems, etc. Feeling like I was one of those problems as well as a few other personal things, I ended up breaking up with him, thinking it'd be better for the both of us. Funny thing is, a friend of mine that I had a crush on before I got with Andrew had left his girlfriend at almost the time. So we gave us a shot, and 2 weeks later ended. I still liked him a lot though, thought I'd fallen for him, but all the while in the back of my mind was Andrew. At first, my thought was "maybe I'm just not meant for these kinda relationships..." and was tempted to switch all those profile sexuality areas from "bisexual" to "lesbian" if you know what I'm sayin'... So anyway... I went through a lot of shit with my friend [that's just what I'ma call my now ex] but in the end a good talk with V got me to learn how to stop being so depressed over it, and another talk Emmah helped me discover how I truly felt. I asked her what I should do, wait for my friend or give up on him and go back to Andrew? She helped me realize that what I thought was love for for my friend was really just temporary infatuation, and part of learning what love is is learning what it's not. She told me that based on what I was telling her, how I acted before and after Andrew and I broke up, and what she'd learned about love with her boyfriend and the crazy shit they'd been through, that I was never in love with my friend, and that I truly loved Andrew. When she had laid it out so plainly for me I couldn't argue... "Yeah Emmah...yeah, you're right..." I told her and gave her a bunch of thank you's and other stuffz X3 After a while of talking it over and figuring out what was best for us, Andrew and I ended up getting back together. I'm so happy, and even better he's happy too. I can't say I wish I'd never made the choices I made because without them, Andrew and I wouldn't be as close as we are, and not only that but I'd probably never had been able to better learn what love really is. I love that boy though... I really do.

And then besides that chaos, I've had a lot of stress with college. I'm working on my grades SO HARD, like I'm dying, I swear [maybe that's why I got sick 1 week, got better for 3 days, and got sick again...uuuggghhh...], but I'm getting through. My grades are still suffering a bit, but I'm getting A's and B's rather than C's and D's, so I'm proud of myself :3

Random music of the moment:

"You Could be Happy" by Snow Patrol

and "Animal" by Neon Trees

[[I know the video for Snow Patrol isn't the full song, it's just such a cute video I had to share! >.<>

Random End Comments: Just eat a goddamned vegetable.