Sigh...

I'm just feeling kinda lonely lately. My relationship has taken a turn for the worse since I've come to the realization that I'm not in love with Dre anymore. Dre has changed a lot since we've broken up, and not only that but as much as he says he'll try hard to keep the relationship going and getting better, his efforts are getting less and less over time... Him and I hardly talk, and when we do it's for a couple minutes tops. I won't say that's entirely his fault - I've contributed to it to, and I realize he's busy - but it's been three weeks and I've made efforts to talk to him that he just hasn't made back. I don't know if it's because he knows he's losing me or if he's just lying or what, but no matter what the reason there's no excuse. If he loved me, he'd put effort into the relationship even if he knew he'd lose me. I'm going to leave him soon, but that doesn't really change much...just a status on facebook, really.

Being in love with someone else is kinda tearing me apart too. I don't want to step into his relationship though, yet I also don't want to give up. I keep telling myself that this alone time is for the better, and reminding myself of a quote I love "Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about."Still, though, I'm not feeling that way... I dunno if it's just because it's still not that long ago that Raa and my relationship ended, or if it's because I just don't have him or anyone to hold me anymore, but I'm very, very lonely... I'd look for someone but I have multiple reasons not too...first, I'm IN LOVE with someone else. Being in a relationship with someone else on my mind is wrong and cruel. Secondly, I don't think getting in a relationship during high school is really having any healthy benefits to me right now. It seems to just tear me down with all the drama, and I don't want to be a part of that if I can help it. Those are my main reasons, and I don't really feel up to going through the rest, so yeah...

I think I'm just sinking into a depression... I feel really stupid for it to. One of my friends [whom I won't name] is worried because his/her friend's dad just commit suicide. That's something to be legitimately depressed about. Not having a mate isn't really much in comparison.

Still...I'm getting sadder and sadder nonetheless, and realizing how pathetic that is only makes it worse. I hope that I don't get any worse...that I get used to being single for a while and start making money for my art and stuff... It just feels like a dream to me now, though, because nobody seems to care. Views on my website are VERY minimal. I haven't worked on my webstore because literally NOBODY visits it but me. Hell, you're probably one of like...3 people who reads this blog including myself. I feel pretty...invisible, actually. And that makes me sad.

I miss my friends... I see them at school, yeah, but I feel like I don't really have a best friend besides Ses anymore, and yes, I absolutely love Ses but...she's so far away... Raa and Kaiine, who I feel are like members of my pack, as lame as that may sound, because they're so special to me, I hardly see at all. Kaiine's mother is crazy, thinks I'm going to steal her soul for some reason, so seeing her outside of school is impossible. Raa's mother is the same way, but just dislikes me as a person...Not that it matters, anyway... Raa doesn't even want to see me outside of school. Then at school, they're a lot more focused on each other than me. And the most I see them is a few minutes in the hallways. I see them both right before school if I get there early enough, then I say hi to Raa most days on the stairs between class periods, if he notices me, and Kaiine between first and second period if she's not busy with Liz or Raa. Then in between second and third period I see them both. There are rare days when Raa visits at lunch for a few minutes, even more rarely Kaiine does too, but that never lasts long. And very rarely I see them before seventh period as well. I see Kaiine after school, and if I stay after on fridays I can see Raa for a while too. These are all about 2 seconds to 2 minutes of talking except after school which is usually like 5-10 tops. Fridays with Raa I could be lucky enough to get an hour and a half tops, but that's only if I can stay, which usually doesn't happen, and Kaiine doesn't take him out, which sometimes is the case. Even when I do talk to them for these times, they usually are talking about their lives together and don't have much focus on me. Not that I'm complaining just...pointing that out...

This is the most I see any of my friends outside of actual classes, except Emily which I've lately been talking to kinda a bit, though that's also growing less and less in time. All the rest are very preoccupied with their own lives, and not that I'm asking them all to turn around and notice me, I just kinda wish it wasn't all relationship, relationship, relationship... When I talk to Emmah, the conversation revolves around how her and my brother are doing. When I talk to Kaiine or Raa, it's usually the same deal, or just random and pointless conversations that I can tell Raa doesn't want to have, but that I hold up because I want to talk to him, and that Kaiine doesn't seem to be too focused on. When I talk to Cameron, it's usually about Emmah or school and that stress. When I talk to Emily it's usually decent conversation, but we've been talking less and less lately. I hardly ever talk to Sheoiga anymore which makes me very sad... I talk to Ses a lot, nearly every day actually, and I'm glad about that and thankful for it too... I just really wish I could see her in person. The distance is the problem there.

I guess I shouldn't complain though, cuz I could be much worse off. I dunno..........I'm ranting at this point, probably annoying the shit outta people and seeming like an attention whore too.

*sighs* I'm just lonely. Feeling a tad invisible. Hopefully that changes once I get started on better artwork...cuz my current work sucks ass... Meh...

Knite? I dunno

I found this artist on DA that is just BEAST that I love so much. They're name is yuumei, and they do these Flash Comics that just make me feel so inferior as a fellow artist and writer *whines, then looks at with admiration* Read yuumei's flash comics, 1000 words and Knite, to understand wtf I'm talking about.

I have a random idea...I wanna sell commissions. I dunno if I should though because it might be difficult. I think I'll start out by just giving commissions to my friends and family for a pretty cheap price, and then selling prints to the people out there in the world outside :3 lolz

I've been feeling really artistic lately, but haven't really been drawing anything. Everything I draw just looks like shit compared to what I've got in my head, and I keep looking at all the really good artists [like yuumei, and my friends Sheioga and Sesaya], and just feeling the "I'm not as good as them" feeling. I don't wanna give up, I just wish I had the same skill... Some motivation on the side would also be nice XP

I have a piece in mind...I wanna draw these three people, Kaiine, Raa, and Vern, all wearing masquerade masks. Vern is in the middle, Kaiine is on the left and Raa is on the right. Kaiine is falling backwards and reaching out her hand to Raa, while Raa is being held back by two other people - Cartel and Saide. Vern is sitting on a table, looking sad into a tea cup she's holding...or maybe a lily...I dunno. The background is a bit hard to explain because explaining it you probably can't see it like I can...still, the background would be Kaiine falling into darkness so that whole half would be warped and dark. The part where Vern is, there is a table [in which she's sitting on] and the floor is checkerboard. The wall is a bright red and there's a clock on the wall right above Vern's head. Raa's background is just an introverted version of Vern's.

Don't ask me what that picture means, I have no idea XD It's just a picture I thought of one night before going to bed.

Here's another idea I had... I'd title it "Waiting for My Romeo" and again it would be Kaiine, Raa, and Vern. Kaiine would be out on the balcony and Raa would be kneeling down at the bottom, both of them reaching for each other. Vern would be in the room leading to the balcony with a very sad look and a tear rolling down her cheek.

That one is really sad...but I like the idea nonetheless and probably will end up doing it before abstract idea #1 up there *points*

I also want to do something with Sandra and Alex... Something like them in an alleyway from the same angle as this amazing-and-way-above-my-skill-level picture and maybe have Alex writing in a journal or reading something while Sandra does the whole "he loves me...he loves me not..." thing to a flower.

Goddamnit I wish I could paint these...or at least photoshop them as well as AyametheDevil and markcrilley

I think I'm going to do a speed-draw video or something tomorrow or the next day of one of these pieces...I dunno...hopefully I can without interruption as well *shrugs* We'll see

OHMAIGAWD. I'm SO gonna do this sometime soon for the random hell of it O.O "She's...What...? Meme" ...moving on...

But yeah...I've got a little more complicated ideas that I've had before, and I really wanna get to work on that kind of stuff. You know, the kind of stuff that would make a pretty poster. Then I can sell those, make some money, get a heat press, and sell T-shirts too :D Hopefully I can really get to work on this over the summer, but for now I'll try to work weekends.

To be honest, I'm going to try to avoid spending time with my friends these next few months and just focus on me. I'm not trying to sound anti-social nor egotistical or anything, just...meh, thoughtful. I've been working really hard on art and my website and stuff for a while now and I'm trying to make it feel worth it. Nobody really looks at it though, and pretty much nobody is willing to buy because of that so I guess I gotta put a little more effort into it. I dunno if that'll make a difference or not, but hopefully it will.

Also, looking at these comics and things is kinda inspiring to me. I really wanna write the script for a comic and maybe make it, but I dunno if I have the time and patience for that...I don't exactly have the skill, which effects my time and patience heh. I guess I could do it my way, though. *shrugs* I'm still thinking. If I were to do a comic, it'd be pretty abstract, pretty weird, and I'm not absolutely sure if it'd make total sense... why? Because first of all, backgrounds are hard for me. I don't want to get to work on a comic and realize "Fsck, I gotta draw their bedroom too..." so I wanna do something where backgrounds aren't really necessary. Also, I'm thinking maybe I should just making Riaru Mugen into a comic. I really don't know right now though...it's 3:30 in the morning and I might just be rambling...

Oi...I just want to start making some money. I want to save up for my big dreams as well as have something to start with when I turn 18 and want out. I also want some damn gas money, and some money for a car so that I can drive it without my parents threatening to take the keys cuz of my poor grades...

Meh.......I just have a lot on my mind right now I guess... I think I'll make a seperate blog post for that part though so...see you soon?

Random End Art: This piece of Sen from Knite is just so pretty :3 I'm considering buying the poster with the other Knite poster, Between Today and Tomorrow. If you like Knite, maybe you should too. You can buy the first piece here and the second one here.
Random Music of the Moment: This is a tune that was made for the 1000 words flash comic. It's really cute "I think I love you more than the Japanese love tentacle porn..." X3
Random End Note: My drama teacher showed me this...freakin' hilarious X3 Oh and BTW I got Pokemon White... I like SoulSilver more and the pokemon aren't that fantastic, but the graphics are pretty kick ass.

Feelin' Linky!

Check out Ashira's Notebook to become a part of the community!

Now that that's outta the way >.> I'm thinking more about selling stuff randomly from my room on Ashira's Store until I can sell actual stuff. Anyone think this is a good idea?

My bestest friend Sheoiga wants to learn how to play at Dizi [Chinese Flute] and told me it was really pretty. So I looked it up and found THIS PICTURE :D Pretty right? Anyhoo it reminded me about wanting to learn the ocarina, but I don't really know where to look for a good ocarina and on top of that I don't really know where to go to learn. Anyone have an answer for either? O.o

Recently, my Sister Sesaya showed me something very interesting that I figured I'd share. If you're interested in joining, here's the link to the page that explains the SCA. It's really, really cool. But I wouldn't say too much because it's got quite a bit of explanation on it's front page.

I just wanted to draw attention to the new link that I posted on the links page of Ashira's Notebook. It's Breathe Photography, "a business created to make you take a step back and 'Breathe.'" Breathe Photography will use their photography and yours to make a slide show for any occasion, great for Valentine's Day of Anniversary Presents. Check them out :3

Random End Art: My friend, Sheoiga, has recently added a few pieces of her artwork on her Photobucket. Check them out here.
Random Music of the Moment: Just listening to the game music from RedTails' YT. You should too - I love the piano pieces.
Random End Comment: I got the Pokemon SoulSilver game and pre-ordered White version. I 'cited X3