My Take on Suicide

I was listening to that Apocalyptica song [featuring Adam from Three Days Grace] called "I Don't Care" and thinking about the meaning behind it all. I presume the song is about a guy trying to get someone close to him to stop feeling suicidal, then he just gave up and basically said in the song: "You know what? I don't care if you live or die anymore. It's up to you now, cuz at this point I can't say anything more than I already have." I don't know if that's exactly what it's about or whatever, but by listening to the lyrics and applying my own personal life experiences to the lyrics, that's what I'd assume the song's about. I dunno.

Anyway, so while thinking about what the song was about, I thought about my own personal experiences. I thought about the anger that comes after someone commits suicide or even just seriously talks about doing it. It doesn't quite make any sense to me... I've been at the point where I've wanted to just end my life and step out of everyone else's. It doesn't mean that I don't love these people... At the time, I took it as I love them enough to stop holding them back, to move on and let them to the same. I didn't think of it as leaving them behind.

I don't know how many people think one way or the other, but for me personally it's pretty half and half... bringing up the idea of killing myself gets half of my friends saying, "Don't you fucking do it. I'll never forgive you if you do." and the other half of my friends saying, "I'll love you no matter what, but please don't do it. I love you too much." Either way, it's not a happy subject and nobody wants to lose me [good thing too, heh], but they both seem to only have one of these two completely different views on the after-effects of suicide. There's never an in between.

Personally, my thoughts are if you [in reference to someone close to me, not just general] commit suicide then yes, that's absolutely depressing to me, maybe even devastating depending on how close to me you are, but you couldn't take it anymore. You felt that nothing would ever go right again, or that the pressure was just too much. The fact that you went the way you went doesn't mean you didn't love me, though. And I have no reason to believe otherwise unless you leave me a note or use your last few breaths or something just to tell me how much you hated my guts. Just sayin'.

I can't be angry at someone for taking their own life because (A) it's their life. They were brought into this world against their will; they have the right to leave by choice if they'd prefer not to play the fate game again, (B) according to my belief system, it's not the end for them. They'll simply move on, whether it be a better or worse situation, until they finally find the happiness they so desire, and (C) I loved them, I knew they loved me, and because everything happens for a reason we just weren't meant to keep on living together. All three of those things only means a bittersweet parting for us, which is very, very sad...yes...but they took that road. And there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well think as positively as I can and move on, right?

I don't understand why someone would be angry at a suicidal person, and even more than that I don't understand why someone would be angry with someone who has successfully commit suicide. I get it in certain situations, like getting frustrated with someone who is so on-off "suicidal" that every other day they call you and say "I'm gonna do it!" until one day you just snap. I get it if the person is only claiming they're suicidal because they're having suicidal thoughts and are merely depressed and wine about it a lot. I get it if the person is just saying they're suicidal for the attention, and you know that. What I don't get is when someone is legit suicidal, they've come to you as a last hope in the life they're living, and your response is anger - which probably doesn't make them want to stay. When you tell someone something like I was once told: "I'll never forgive you if you go through with it," it doesn't make the suicidal person want to stay. It makes them feel even more worthless than they already feel, it cuts them down as a person, and it makes them question you when you claim you care. Why? Because by saying you'll be so angry that you'll even hold a grudge with them beyond the grave, you're also saying "I hate you," or at the very least, "I don't care about you as much as I claim to." I just don't understand. It's like saying you'd rather waste your valuable emotional energy over trying to give them more of a reason to live. And if they really do move on, why the hell would someone actually waste that energy on someone who has long moved on and isn't even with us any longer? Just...why? It makes no sense.

I guess I can't argue with those who are very conflicted feeling as part of their mourning process. I also can't argue with the anger and frustration that may come if you're left a note saying something harsh like "I hate you" or strong like "I always loved you but never could tell you" and wondering why they couldn't just come out and say that before offing themselves. I can't argue with someone being angry because they're blaming themselves either. Those angry emotions sorta make sense...are natural responses...but someone being unable to forgive someone, dead or wanting to die; someone being angry with someone because they came to them and trusted them with the information; someone being angry because they have the mentality that the person didn't care about or love them, or that they "left them behind"...those things I just don't understand.

If someone wants to die and they trust you enough to tell you, there's no point being angry at them unless you don't really care about them and don't honestly want them to stick around. If you're angry at someone, you either care enough to be stern with them and get them to hear you, or -more likely [for me] than not in this suicide situation, you're going to hold a grudge against them, which is just a lack of care, correct? So if you want them to stay, why would your natural response to them saying "I don't know what to do; help me," be to not care? That's what I think anyway. And even if they didn't go to you, maybe they didn't want you to worry about it. Maybe they thought it would be less painful on you to just go rather than spend time with long goodbyes, shedding tears, and losing sleep over it. Maybe they thought a fast break would be healthier for you. That's caring, if they're thinking that hard on it. It doesn't mean they were right, but it also doesn't mean they didn't love you.

Where people get the idea that just because someone commits suicide they didn't love you, I will never understand. That logic makes no sense. You don't know that. You can't read their mind. Unless they say so [one way or another] before they go, then it doesn't make sense how one would think that. A suicidal person tends to avoid EVERYONE, so the "they just started avoiding me all of a sudden...they must have hated me," mentality doesn't make sense...unless that person hated, well, everyone. Also, a suicidal person can get angry or depressed over the smallest things as well, so thinking "they were so angry at me/sad because of me before they died," also doesn't make sense...unless they spat something like "I hate life because of you and everything you put me through" before they left, there's no point in thinking they had a reason to dislike you to the point of suicide. There are other specific scenarios that in which the natural response is to be angry, and I get those, but I don't get how someone can be so angry at the very idea of suicide.

A response I get to this mentality is, "Actions tend to speak louder than words, and having such a lack of care about yourself as to die for it doesn't call for a loving response - it calls for a lack of care from everyone else." I also understand this. I don't agree with it because I do like to be more positive with these sort of things [I can't move on otherwise], but it does make sense. An angry response still doesn't, however. If you don't care at all, why show that you do? Anger can be a sign of "listen to me - I know what's best for you" just as easily as it can be a sign of "I don't give a rat's ass about you." I suppose that slightly goes back on what I have to say in this whole thing, because I'm saying I understand someone being angry because they care enough to tell them "don't you dare go" [meaning they wouldn't hold a grudge against you if you died, however]. But that's about it. Anyway, back to what I was saying: If you believe that if they don't care about themselves, why should you, then exactly that: Why should you care? So you shouldn't be angry at all...and if you are, it only means you cared. In that case, your anger should just be that part of the grieving process I previously mentioned, and once your mind is cleared and you can accept that you cared [and still do] then you have no reason to be angry anymore. You should be able to move on better.

I dunno. There's a lot on my mind and I just figured I'd share that in hopes of clearing someone's mind or something. *shrugs* touchy subject but I felt I had to say what I had to say. If you're reading, feel free to share your opinions as well. I wouldn't mind hearing it.