Family Rant >.>

When I was younger, I blamed my parents for a lot of my problems. I actually hated them with a passion. I told them nothing because I felt they would never understand or be able to help. With a few of my problems, yes, this was the case and I just have to walk my own path there. With the majority of the rest, however, they could have probably given me some fairly helpful advice. I've learned over my few years here that they do have more experience than I do and that they can tell me certain important things that I just have to listen to and do, or learn the hard way. I can't say I love my parents in the same or a similar way as they love me, but I can say that I've grown to respect them to a certain extent and that I no longer would use a word so strong as "hate" for my feelings toward them either.

I still blame my mom for a certain thing that I won't reveal on the internet, but I do respect her knowledge, her kind heart, and how she usually means well. I can't fully respect my dad for a certain thing he's done that I won't reveal on the internet, but I do feel like I'm closer to him than my mom because him and I share similar interests and he seems to get better than my mom what it means to grow up and let go. I appriciate that my mom is just being caring, but I do feel that my dad has this "she's growing up" thing more under control than she does.

Still, in many ways my parents have a tendancy to get on my nerves. I really, really just wanna move out of here.

It's things like today's events that make me feel more and more like just packing up and leaving without more than a goodbye note explaining why...

Today I woke up around 1 in the afternoon. Even though I'd slept in that long, I didn't sleep well. I'd gone to sleep paranoid [for some reason I just couldn't shake the feeling for the life of me], I'd gone to sleep at either 4 or 5 a.m., and I'd been trying to sleep through a loud sister and a working dad in between. Even though I'd gone through many phases of wake up then back to bed throughout the time I slept, I decided to officially wake up after a phone call from my boyfriend, giving me dates about when he and I could go to the Renassiance Festival together. This was supposed to be good news, but the weird way he acted when he talked to me kinda dimmed that, and rather than be happy to hear this I was more concerned. Waking up from a not-so-sound slumber only to be worried to death [Yes, I always worry more than I really should] isn't the ideal way to start you day...or at least, I don't think it is.

Anyway, moving along in my day [the only thing I could do], my plan was to ask my dad where the rocks, net, etc. were that he told me he'd gotten yesterday so that I could finally clean my 26 gallon fish tank. That's all that I figured I'd be doing all day, that and maybe a few simple things on the computer like check my e-mail. I go to ask my dad where that stuff is and he says "I'll get it for you tomorrow." In other words, he told me that he'd get it yesterday and then just plain didn't.

I don't tell him this, but in my mind I'm saying, "...uh... I needed to clean the tank YESTERDAY. I set it back by a day because I got home at 9 and was too tired to clean the bathroom and the tank. 3 of my fish died, and if it wasn't them killing each other, it was the state of the tank that got them sick 'til they died. I NEED TO CLEAN IT NOW." I couldn't complain of this because my dad would say something like "I need to work," or "I said we'd go tomorrow," and I didn't wanna start something big over something that wouldn't have mattered to him anyway.

That pretty much cleared my whole day. I had no clue what to do. So I just kinda did nothing important. I replied to the forums on FurNation, got some more eggs on Dragon Cave, and talked to a friend on the phone. My dad gave me some sushi and I ate it all, then did nothing important for a few more hours. I was gonna draw, but quickly lost interest and played some AudioSurf instead. Then I was gonna read but figured I should leave something new for me to do later. So I just talked to my friend some more and then was like "ugh...I'm hungry." and went to go get something to eat. I take a look in the fridge, in the freezer, then in a few cabnets, a snack drawer [near empty by now], and then the counter tops. On the counter there's a ton of snacks but I want a meal. I've eaten nothing but that sushi since sometime around 3 or 4 the day before and I'm starving. I look in the fridge again and there's a bunch of too-old-to-eat leftovers, some more snacks that really only my sister likes, and a crap load of cheese. I'm like "ugh, no real food?" and so I look in the freezer again and all I see is a bunch of food I do not know how to cook. I overlook all of it and go back to the cabnet and I'm faced with even more snacks. All I can say is "food?" and I think of the King Soopers within 15 minutes of walking distance and take a look outside. It's raining. Hard. Now for my next move: I walk upstairs and before I can say a word, my mom who is knitting asks me "Can you keep washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen until it's all done please?" Like no joke, that's exactly what she asked. I'm a little baffled cuz my chores in the kitchen involve nothing more than cleaning my messes, clearing my plate, and doing the dishes when it's my turn. All that other crap is whatever my sister and her little friend did during their last sleepover, and I'm not about to clean all that up when I was under the impression that it was my sister's job. I'll tackle half of the mountain of dishes and do the rest when I go back down to unload the dish washer again, and that's it, thank you.

It's not a huge deal or anything that she wants some of the mess clean [frankly I do too] so I just say "sure" but only plan on cleaning some dishes and hoping she doesn't tell me to clean up my sister's messes later.

She nods and then looks up at me and says, "And when you do the dishes, you can put more than 10 dishes in at a time."

I'm almost offended by the remark. I'm thinking, "You don't even DO the dishes anymore. We used to take turns but it's only been me for the past month. Don't tell me I'm not doing them right, especially after I had to re-load the dishwasher with the same dishes again twice when SOMEONE made it too full and nothing got washed." Again, I don't want a large confrontation so I simply tell her "I don't." Before I can say anything along the lines of "I wash as many dishes as I can," she simply says "ok" and gets back to her knitting.

I shake it off, then I tell her, "My reason for coming up here, though, was cuz I was wondering if one of you could drive me to King Soopers so I can get something to eat." My mom can hardly hear me over my dad's video so I repeat myself and she only focuses on her knitting. I ask again in about a minute, figuring she's just finishing a stitch then she'll answer.

Finally a reply. She says "I don't know," and doesn't even look up to say it, so rather than battle her for an answer I turn to my dad.

"Hey dad, can you drive me to King Soopers so I can get something to eat?" I'm not asking much. The drive takes around 3 or 4 minutes, then about 5 or 10 minutes for me to grab a microwave meal and a drink, then check out and come back outside. The whole trip would take no more than 20 minutes and that's assuming we take our sweet time. If not, he could always just drive me to the next door subway or something. All I needed was a ride since it was raining and a few bucks.

Still, my dad says no and starts going on this rant to me about how he's driven everywhere today: "I've been driving so much today. I've gone to McDonald's for your sister, earlier I went to King Soopers for you..." We both knew he had more in mind, but he cuts himself short, "...why don't you just eat the rest of that sushi anyway?"

"I ate it already, dad. I threw away the container a couple hours ago."

"Well I can't be driving you guys to all these places all the time. I just--"

I interrupt him before this becomes more than it needs to be. "Ok, fine, I just wanted something to eat but whatever." And I walk downstairs.

"No, honey I'm not mad at you..." I just keep walking cuz I don't wanna hear his half-assed apology. He doesn't need to apologize. I just think it's stupid that he can't simply get up and bring me to a place not even that far away so I can go in and get food. He doesn't even have to leave the car if he doesn't want to.

Rather than get right to doing the dishes, I pop in Oblivion, move the couch forward so I can actually see, and starting playing with my new Dark Elf character. I've barely started the game again, so nothing interesting happens. All I do is go through a bunch of character-developing things, get tons of items, and gain the Amulet of Kings after the Emperor dies. Nothing new. Nothing to really think about. So I think about my dad and things like it. My mental mini-rant was something like this:

"All I asked for was something to eat. I looked downstairs for food and there's nothing but snacks and meals I don't know how to cook. He knows damn good and well that I can't cook. That's why he got me sushi earlier, which I never asked him to do and I'm glad he did but really... it's been at the very least 2 hours since I got rid of the container... that's around 3 hours at least since I last ate the only thing I've eaten today at all, and I didn't even eat that much. Spicy tuna is gross, and that package was half-spicy, so I ate a good fourth of the package before the dogs ate the rest. I guess he doesn't know that so maybe I shouldn't complain...but still, it's not like he's even working. He's just watching a video on that Anthony vs. Florida case or whatever. And my mom didn't even hear me! She was too busy knitting to do a damn thing! Well, besides tell me to clean the kitchen but psh that's not fully my job. I'll do my part but she can do the rest. It's not my mess, and until I move out with my boyfriend I refuse to clean up anyone else's messes... especially my sister's. She is a pig, and she'll never learn how to clean if it's always done for her. Ugh, and my parents are just being flat out lazy lately... my mom needs to take me to the eye doctor. I swear, my eyesight's getting worse. I need glasses. I guess I'll just leave the couch forward everytime I play on the Xbox and eventually they'll ask. If that doesn't give them the hint then hopefully I don't go blind before my 18th birthday and I'll just get my own glasses. I'll get my own everything, cuz they don't know how to anymore. They're really slacking lately. This is stupid, but whatever. I won't complain. I guess I just won't eat today."

So for hours I didn't. I just played Oblivion 'til it got boring and too loud [cuz of my sister and her friend] to play anyway, then went and did some of the dishes. That was nothing but a frustration since for some reason my parents think that if you put the silverware that doesn't fit in the small basket on the top rack that everything gets clean. Actually no...it wastes space in the dishwasher, and almost none of the silverware gets clean and it all needs to be washed again. So I have to pick and choose which dishes are dirty, which are clean, and I need to re-organize half the shit in it to make sure things gets clean. Once I get as many dishes PROPERLY in the dishwasher, I walk back upstairs and plan on nothing more than going up to my room, doing something random on the computer [eh, blogging?] and then reading and going to bed late as usual. I'm in a bad mood, but most of why I'm in a bad mood is my worry for my boyfriend making every little thing seem like a bigger deal than it is. Because of this, all I want is to walk by my parents and lock myself up in my room for the night. Still, my dad sees me and is compelled to say, "Hi sweetie." of which I again cannot complain about. It's nothing more than my dad being nice.

"Yeah hi." I reply monotonously and try to get past my mom, sprawled out on the floor still knitting, so I can go to my room.

"What's wrong?" He stops me.

I can't just start ranting about how today went by in a way that just perfectly aligned to give me such a rotten mood so I just sigh and say, "I'm just hungry is all. I haven't eaten much all day."

Suddenly it's I'll-get-you-whatever day. "Well ok, let's go. Want subway?"

If I wasn't in such a shitty mood, I'd have facepalmed. "They aren't open anymore."

"Oh...well, uh, what did you want at King Soopers?"

"I don't know, I just wanted something to eat. Anything, just a real meal." I'm about to walk to my room when he stops me again.

"Well then do you want me to make you a steak?" I can't say no to that.

"Sure." I say and then finally walk to my room.

In my room, I think about how angry I was earlier and how nice of a gesture my dad made when I was in a bad mood. He brings me the steak and when I ate it, it was really good. What he brought me was the equivilent of a meal we'd have if we all sat down for a nice dinner together. I can't complain about it because it's nice. I tell him goodnight on his way out and figure the next time I leave my room will be when I go to do the dishes again then I'll just read The Legend of Drizzt some more and head to bed. But I decided to make this blog post instead.

At first I felt I needed to rant, but once I got to eating my meal my mood settled a bit. I mean, I texted my boyfriend again and I'm still very worried about him, but that's it's own deal. I'm done letting it just effect my mentality and making me such a downer.

So to reflect on everything, yeah. My parents get on my nerves - I said that in the beginning - and I still really, really wanna get out of this house and into my own with people I want to spend the rest of my life "dealing" with :P But that doesn't mean that my parents were being bad people or anything. My mom just wanted the house clean, and hell I had time to spare. Why not clean a little bit? My dad needed a break from work and driving and I can respect that. Sometimes I need a break from what seems like simple tasks myself. I'm glad I didn't complain to them or nag them about it all.

It just overall comes down to I'm growing up, I want my own place and to not worry about anyone's needs but my own. I keep thinking about how much better it'll be to move in with my boyfriend, but eh it'll be the same deal only I'm not pulling his weight. I'll help him learn organization, but he's ultimately gonna be responsible for his half of it all. It'll be nice to move out, but it'll provide it's own stresses. I guess I just gotta learn how to deal with that. *shrugs* Yay for growing up?

Ha I dunno. Really I did just need to rant. Bleh XP