As I Lay Awake

If you're reading this only for the school related information, skip down to the italic dark red paragraph.

It's funny how now that I've started school and got more work on my shoulders, that I've suddenly also been handed more time to just sit and think. This time to think that I get does make sense though... it's when I'm expected to be sleeping, but due to my almost insomniac ways, I just sit there for hours, awake, doing nothing but thinking. I both find this time nice and calming, as well as brutal and depressing.

Just to get it out of the way, the depressing thoughts that come to my head are the negative things that have happened in my life, and though I do come up with the answer "well if that didn't happen, I wouldn't have learned this," but nonetheless just lying there in a helpless state and just being vulnerable to the oncoming wave of depression I thought I'd pushed back is a little terrifying...it's why I stay up at night, usually: so I don't dream of these things and relive them again and again.

But some positive things come across...I have to keep my sanity sometimes, right? It's usually just simple things that happen when I'm having a particularly hard time with the negative thoughts and I'm just trying to divert my mind from where it wanders otherwise. These things include my website, school and my new schedule, family, Rue, and how to make my future bright. And just while you're reading now [whether or not you continue], I also have a few things in blue at the bottom that I'd really appriciate if you turned your attention to, thanks.

Something I've noticed with my website is how much my own personal workings into it have changed... I'm less focused on making it nice and updating it, and more focused on getting people to come to it. This does significantly change my involvement...I don't update everything anymore, I just post writings and art as I do them to their designated pages, occationally post to the news page and bam! done for the week, or whatever. With people, eh, it's much harder. See, I have a problem: I don't know how to get people more interested in it [which btw if you have feedback PLEASE share with me - I'd be uber happy to hear it at ashiracartel@yahoo.com or you can comment below]. I've posted Ashira's Notebook links everywhere, and I've personally asked people to look at it and perhaps join, but nobody ever cares enough to. Some will join out of politeness, but most of the members don't keep up with anything... it makes me sad. I know my family looks at it every so often, but most of the time it's just to brag to friends about "Oh, my cousin made a website," or to show their friend my art, in which their friend goes "cool" and never looks at it again. I know 2 people who keep up with what I do, and anyone else who does only does so because I tell them when I've updated and ask them to check it out. I've looked at the numbers of visitors and yes, it's rising ever so slowly [which makes me happy - don't get me wrong], but I just wish Ashira's Notebook and Ashira's Forum could have more constant visitors and members, and through them we could actually start forming that community of artists of all kinds that I've been looking for. The things I've looked at to get people to visit is (A) Advertising, of course, and (B) Business cards specially. With business cards, my biggest issue is just being broke... once I get some cash in my pocket I'll probably jump right on getting business cards and that'll be the only advertising before I make the physical changes to AN. Speaking of which, the only physical changes I really want to make is to make art for the website like banners and backgrounds for each individual page [though I don't want to personally make them, I want members of Ashira's Community to do it, so that's hard without advertising]. I also would love to purchase a URL of my own [in other words, a link without the whole .webs thing in it]...though that might have to wait until after I have a job and maybe some generous members to help me afford it as well, heh. Last change I'd want to make is a mission statement for AN, which I'm working to get done even before getting business cards...it's just that important. That and a logo, and other simple things like that. As far as goal making goes, I'm hoping to make all this happen before I get to college.

Moving on... School. Just because I want to make sure everyone is aware, for school I am unable to talk during the week usually. I may reply to a text or e-mail here and there, and I rarely will pop in on IM, but overall I won't check anything because I want to focus on my schoolwork. What this means for you is just a few simple things:
A) Patience. I am begging you, and I mean you as in everyone - not just friends - including just general Ashira's Notebook people in an attempt to contact me via e-mail, to simply have patience with me and wait for me to get the time to respond to you. I already have a lot going on in my head to the point where without the world's supply of sticky notes, I'd forget everything and go completely mad... I can't just hit a pause button and get to you as soon as you need me. Sorry guys, I don't have a Click remote.
B) Understanding. Very simple one - please understand that when I take a couple weeks to reply to an e-mail, or I say no to a request such as a complicated commission/I take a really long time to complete your commission...stuff like that. Please be respectful, realize that I have a busy life of my own, and know that it is noticed and honestly, greatly appriciated.
and C) Help. I could especially use help. I don't mean this as a cry for help like "help me! I'm dying!" No, I mean this as a "I could really use some more website staff members/AN community members/etc." It says on the website that Emmah DaVinci is another staff member but in all honesty she is never on, and leads a busy life of her own that, unfortunately, may result in finding a new artist for Itami. In other words, I'm running the website on my own, and it's getting to a point that not too long from now will cause it to become near impossible to run by myself. Please e-mail me at ashiracartel@yahoo.com if you are interested in helping me and by becoming a staff member; you are needed!
Besides those three simple things, all you need to know is communication is usually open on weekends if I'm not busy with other people because communication is rare on weekdays. I'll be updating the calander on AN so that you can see what breaks I'll have in the school year, and what times may become really hectic to the point where even on weekends it's hard for me.

Ok, I'm done with my cries for help now. My last things with family...eh, mostly just me thinking about how much I wanna move out and how to make that possible lolz With Rue, it's a lot of personal things that overall just are enjoying his company now, missing him later, and how to keep our relationship from falling apart through the distance. Then I only have how to make my future bright which I'm doing by thinking of how I want to spend the rest of my life, thinking about college, studying now and getting my grades up [and keeping them there! That's key!], and other things. I lot of it dumbs down to I want to up my skills and learn more, which dumbs down to practice makes perfect haha and if I had time to practice, I'd be happy to...but I don't sooo....poopy.

The last things I want to share with you are important to me and if anything, I want you to take this information and make it count:

AMY: Please read this news on AN concerning my commission openness and a dying out wolfdog rehabilitaion. If you'd like to help someone in need, who is an absolutely amazing, hard working person who deserves the support and more, then please read this now! Heck, help out and you get art out of the deal. Thank you!

SESAYA: My sister/best friend and mentor, Sesaya, is an absolutely wonderful artist who has been working on some fabulous artwork that she has been hoping to sell. Check out her furaffinity page and her commission price sheet to check out her artwork, and get more artwork-for-sale information. Thank you!

Ending Links:
My website: http://www.ashirasnotebook.webs.com/
My deviantART: http://ashiracartel.deviantart.com/

End Note:
When I next find the time, I'll be making a post on here about artwork and how I feel about it, and my book commentary thingy [yes, this is more here to remind me but hey! Now you know too! :D lolz]

Newest Project

Hello everyone! I just thought I'd let you all know that I'm going to be working on a project - a book commentary. I'm going to be reading through an entire book and commenting on pretty much everything it has to say. If you're interested in hearing, then I'll be doing this on writer's cafe here. Hope you enjoy it!

Sellin' stuffz

Ok, so pretty recently I was on furaffinity [which btw I made one XD I got nothin' on it yet but check it out by clicking here] and I found a user that made metal collars. I wasn't too interested in getting one, but the designs were pretty and I figured that it'd be fun to look at. What I found was something pretty awesome though...I found a triforce XD I know, makes total sense right? Well look in this picture and see what I mean!

*turns on Zelda music in the background*

This triforce inspired me to do something awesome. Before I go on, however, I have to tell you about why this money making idea is so important: I'll be taking a trip to France and Spain for 12 days during my Spring Break vacation with my school. The trip costs around $3000 for me alone, and my mom's trying to go as well. So basically, this money making idea I had would be a fundraiser for France and Spain [provided people buy...which prolly won't happen, knowing my luck]. Anyhoo...the TRIFORCE. It inspired me to decide on making fun keychains out of the same thing that it was made out of, melty beads, and sell them for a few bucks a piece. Do you think that these would sell, or that these are a stupid idea thought of by a girl with too big of a Zelda obsession for her own good?

Not only that, but I figured that I could get some felt and thread, etc. and sew a few stuffed animals as well for selling for the same cause. What about this idea; it ok? lolz

For both these ideas, would you buy or am I just uber excited for stupid reasons? X3 Thanks for reading! ~Ash out

Commissions?

A wolf-dog rehabilitation center is in real need of some cash, so I'll be doing commissions to help! The owner's name is Amy Byrd, and she's a very hard working and dedicated woman who is just having a little difficulties financially. The goal is to raise $2000 dollars for her sake due to this, and I'm very happy to help make this hapen :3

If you're interested in learning more about my commissions for her cause, read the journal on my FurAffinity [FA] in her dedication.

If you'd like to learn more about Amy's situation and exactly where the money is going toward, then check out this journal on one of my friend's FA.

If you have a PayPal account and would like to donate directly to Amy's cause, then it goes through at wolfrescuedonations@yahoo.com

Thank you for taking the time to just read this, and thank you again if you donate in any way, shape, or form!

My Response To My Dad's Response Part 2

If you haven't read part one, you should probably start by reading it here. I'm going to write the rest of this blog post as if I was replying to my dad, so don't confuse you as a whole with the you I'm refering to - my dad.

Thank you for aknowledging that I actually use my brain! ...or at least attempt to most days X3 Thinking truly is an art that needs to be mastered, is it not? Also, it's nice to know that you're open-minded. I am too, and I now know where I get it hehe

In this first quote you mentioned, yes it was from my friend and I'm glad you now know that. But I will give you my thoughts on her words: I don't have much room to argue. How can a God described by so many as a loving God, a perfect God, etc. be so malicious as to let things like children be murdered, let women get raped, or have gone so far as letting the holocaust even happen? It's part of where my "good guy God" belief comes into play for me: I think the Creator's heart is in a good place, but that if we have a Creator, that it makes mistakes just as we do. Some of these may result in things just that major in our lives. If not, then maybe they were just meant to happen to show us to love life more than we do. It could even be so odd [well I suppose I don't think it's odd...] an idea as karma following us from a past life. I can also say I believe everything happens for a reason, even if it does come down to us not knowing why.

I'll have to look into theodicy more, though I'm sure I'll come across it when I read Plato's works, which I definitely plan to.

This is meant for my friend. Skip the italics words if you want to get back to my response to my dad:
I'm not a furry for the reputation. I not into Yiff [furporn] - there's way too much of it too - and I have met some seriously weird furries that I can honestly say need some psyciatric help. You turn on the TV and most things about furries are on the show Strange Addictions when a furry was socially awkward and dealt with it by basically never taking off her fursuit; or on [I think it was] CSI on the episode where there was a backwards rapist guy who happened to be a furry as well. It all adds up to a VERY bad furry reputation. Hell, even my parents think it's weird. But I'm still a furry. Why? Because I like the art [which alone by definition makes me a furry], I like fursuits and even want one, the fandom itself and some of the good people you meet within it are fun and enjoyable, and I don't like the idea of hiding that simply because "the rep is bad." When you find the right people who are like you [who don't enjoy it for the negative things that the reputation is all about but the positive things like the art and fun you have within the fandom], it all seems worth it. So if you believe in God in a Christian way but don't call yourself Christian simply because "Christians have a bad rep" then maybe you should take a second look at yourself and your mindset and realize that maybe you're just not the same kind of Christian as your family or certain people you know. I know some very good Christians with beliefs that I almost believe in, just slightly disagree with. It's mostly where the heart lies that's important. I don't really know what to say from there except what my dad did: It's ok that you don't know if you believe in the same thing Christian's do, just find different reasons than reputation or other people.

I'll certainly have to look more into that when I find the time. It seems very interesting, and I'd like to hear both sides. For now though, I'll say this much: If the universe had a beginning, then I believe it was merely the beginning for this universe and that it'll eventually sometime be destroyed and rebuilt again in a cycle of neverending destruction and rebuilding. I'll look into the theories though and maybe come up with something different. I dunno lolz My mind is open to new ideas

It's something even I personally find a little odd to think, a little distasteful, and something I don't really like but it's something that I believe. I believe that "good" and "evil" are merely opinions by everyone, and that there isn't a set good or evil. Yes, there are "popular" goods and evils, such as the holocaust being considered one of the "popular" evils, and the Civil Rights Movement being considered a "popular" good. That's definitely poor word choice, but you at least understand what I'm trying to say. But the reason I believe this is because people like Hitler himself must have thought that he was doing something good. I'm not trying to defend him or anything, I highly disagree with what he did and I personally find it one of the evils, but hear me out for nothing more than the purposes of understanding what I'm having difficulty saying any other way: If Hitler was just power hungry, I'm not sure that the holocaust was the route he would have taken. Many power hungry people do crazy things that tend to negitively effect people, but nonetheless I don't see why searching for nothing but power would lead him to dedicate his life - even in prision, writing out all his plans, not knowing if he'd ever be able to lead a nation to do what the Nazis did - to getting rid of the Jews and certain others until he was left with the "perfect race." I do think that he honestly saw what he was doing as just and right, and there were people who followed him under that same belief. In fact there are people today who still believe in him. I'm do not. The vast majority of society will heavily, heavily agree with me. But how is it that he can see what he did as a "clensing" of the Earth, or a survival thing [Survival of the Fittest, is what I'm referring to] if evil and good are not an opinion? All Hitler and Holocaust references aside, what exactly is evil? Sure, you can point out things and tell me that they're evil, etc. but really, what is evil? And on top of that, what is good? Without the opinion and right to choose, but as a fact, what is good and what is evil, and how can I decifer between the two? I don't really like this arguement even if I do believe in it, however, so I think I'll move right along to my conclusion...

Ultimately, I don't know enough to argue much. I do have ideas about the world, however, such as the importance and beauty of Nature and how it deserves respect, that lead me to look at certain religions and spiritualities as closer to my heart than others. I try to take a little bit out of everything, however, and not to narrow myself down to one set idea about how life should be lived. I have my ideas, while other people have their own. I respect that, I like that, and I enjoy learning about that. Heck, there might not even be a Creator at all. In that case, most of this conversation could be almost null and void haha. But regardless, I don't see myself as "not caring" but as wondering, being curious, and kind of enjoying the mystery. Also, I don't like the idea of dying thinking I'll go to Heaven or Hell or Summerland or seeing nothing but blackness or whatever my beliefs may be, and then disappointed in the end when I'm proven wrong. I'll leave the sure-ness [?] of what's on the other side to the dead, thank you.

I don't mind boucing ideas of each other, as you said, however. Feel free to e-mail me randomly or just bring up the conversation. It's fun to do :3

Thanks for reading!

My Response To My Dad's Response Part 1

My dad responded to my post about God and my thoughts on him, which in itself was a response to my friend's post. Click here if you have no clue what I'm talking about, and read that post first.

This is part 1 of 2 because I felt that giving you all the information in one post would prove confusing. So in part 1 is his response, which he gave me via e-mail, and in part 2 is my response back to him, [which I will also prolly e-mail him and my friend too XD].

Before I give you his reply, let me clear this up. I just copied and pasted both my post and my friend's post, and he assumed that I posted both. So what he had to say in response may have confused you had I not cleared that up because he quotes both her and I as if it's just me. So to clear this up even more, I've color coded everything. The text in darker red is her words, while the text in green is mine. His words are in blue. Here's what he had to say in reply to both our blog posts:

I think your thinking is very sophisticated, and thought out. I respect it and appreciate it, that is a gift not many people have - to think, because it is hard work - but its real too and worth it. I am proud of you.

I think I find almost 80-85% agreement with your post. One of the most appreciateive things Dad has found in life is others willing to tell me where they think I could use some additional comment and thought. A couple parts are unrefined so I am not sure what your thought currently is. And a couple I might disagree with I'll tell you why.

"So I've been doing a lot of thinking about belief and God lately. As many people know, I'm very confused if there is a God or not, or if he is there for me or not. In my head I can't see how a God could let such crap happen to so many people, not once but over and over and over again in their lives."

You might know this, but what you're referring to is called "theodicy" or the problem of Evil and the Problem of Suffereing. It has been debated, discussed, and thought over for ever, Plato gave a dilemma called the "Euthyphro dilemma" you could read about. These are two of the most difficult problems the philosophy of religion has ever encountered - real love, objective moral values, the existence of real evil and some mystery are the answers I have accepted - althought this problem never recedes from our minds needing to give it the upmost respect just as you have.

"...Nor will I call myself a 'Christian' because that name has a bad rep, and most Christians are hypocrites."

You shouldn't try to tackle the question of Christianity until you have settled on the matter of "God" so this is OK. Your reasoning for accepting or rejecting Christianity will based on the reasoning you have accepted regarding God. You should reject Christianity for better reasons than what others have done to its reputation and how others have behaved. Whether Christianity is true or not - there are better reasons for accepting or rejecting it. Christianity's theology itself believes that people will act and behave just as you have pointed out because we are fallen and broken. Christianity askes what we ought or can do about that.

"I believe the universe has been here forever - not beginning, nor ending."

This could be true. The cosmological argument for the existence of God if presented at its strongest is a very strong argument and you should make yourself aware of it. Also, mainstream science, cosmology and astrophysics has poovided very strong evidence for what is called a singularity of the beginning of our universe, a beginning that there was no material, space, nor time prior to it. There are speculative theories presently in vogue called string theory that inslude the possibilities of multiverses or bubble universes that proceeded ours that could be considered without beginning or end but recently scientific findings have even refutated that idea. Even these universes would have to have a beginning. You would at least want to learn about these ideas.

"I don't believe the Creator has any standards it wants us to live by, and if it does then it must have embedded them into our lives as it is by giving us something such as moral values."

This is the question of objective morality vs. subjective morality and nihilism. Do there exist objective moral values (it is wrong to cause unnecessary suffering - objective?) or are our moral values intuitions similar to our tastes in fine food, i.e. subjective? If they are subjective is there real meaning and purpose in life that isn't just our own subjective creation (nihilsim?). These are indeed grand and important questions. I believe the holocaust was objectively immoral that it was really wrong, not just a subjective opinion of a majority or people, not distasteful, not unfortunate, not in my opinion, but rather really, objectively, evil. That forces me to believe in evil and our innate ability to intuit it - a something that is real 'out there' something that exists. That leads me to believe morality, even if we struggle to get it perfectly right, is indeed innate, and our intuitions are what philosophers call 'veridical' to a real world. I don't think we live in a nihilistic world, I think we live in a moral and purposeful one - but that has rich meanings for other things we believe.

I would be happy to bounce critical ideas to help you refine your thinking if you want to e-mail further posts.

I love you, Dad
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Part 2 coming soon - link will be provided when it's finished!