Tumblr

I recently made a Tumblr! http://ashirashome.tumblr.com/

So far I kinda like it. As of yet, I'm not sure if it'll replace this blogging location or not, but I think I'm going to use both. I just gotta figure out what goes here and what goes there lolz

But yeah, follow meeeee :D

Regret or early Senioritis?

I've always told myself that regret does nothing more than hold me back in life, and ever since I learned that I've held to it. I still do have a problem, however, and I'm not sure if it's regret that I'm feeling about it, or if it's something else related to teenage anxiety or something or another.

What I feel is that I was born too late, that I missed a year of life that I could have gotten by just being born just a few mere months earlier than I was. Usually when given the genie scenario I say "making a wish with a genie is like making a deal with the devil - it's bound to go wrong." However if I was given the opportunity to make a wish, I'd wish that I was born early enough to be in my senior year right now without it upsetting the balance and outcome of my life at this very moment. Specifically, I wish that I could have been born around the time my cousin James was born, the time where I would be in my senior year right now, and yet even through the change of my age, it wouldn't upset my happiness, my family, my maturity, my relationship, nor my friends...but it wouldn't change their ages either. It's a lot to ask for, really, but because I'm not haggling with a genie right now I'm going to make my wish as specific as I want to. If I have to dumb it down for your sake, however, I would just wish that I felt like I was the right age.

Personally, if I were to put an age on myself [based on my personal beliefs as well as outside perspectives], I would honestly put myself at 18. I don't feel at all like I'm the same maturity level of 99.9% of the Junior population in the Adams County school district [cuz it's really all I know in the masses], but I know I'm not knowledgeable or experienced enough, despite my maturity, to be older than a very early adult. I know very, VERY few people my age or younger who I think are my level of maturity or beyond, and I am setting my standards for maturity low. They're too complex to go into right now, but I can assure you that by asking for a mature person I'm not asking for much.

For some reason, I wanted to end this post with "I realize regret isn't worth the trouble and will do nothing more than hold me back, yet I will always have one regret: Being born too late." Thing is, that's not how I feel. I'm happy where I am in my life and what the near future is bringing for me, I just want my near future to be what I wake up tomorrow and get to work on. I'm anxious to get started with my life, and I feel like I'm being left behind by the ones I care most for. I'm getting some great advice from them all, I'm appreciative of the ability to gain the knowledge without going through the tough experiences, but I'm unable to put it into practice and I hate that so much. My life seems to be backed up while all of my friends are getting a head start on important life goals. It almost makes me wish I'd tried harder to graduate early...almost.

I don't exactly know what I'm trying to say besides my feelings, and when it comes down to the point all I have to say is I want to speed up time and be at the end of this miserable school year already. I want to get started on my summer job so I can save money to see Ses and get a fursuit, I want to be talking apartments more seriously with Kay Kay and Rue, and I want my driver's license so I can stop feeling like I'm treating my friends like my chauffeurs. That's all I want, and I can wait for the rest. I won't ask to graduate high school now, or to already be living with Kay Kay and Rue. I'll wait for the really important stuff. Until then, though, I just want for the next few months to feel like they're serving a purpose beyond teaching me patience. I just want to feel like I'm not waiting for more waiting.

I just want to get started with my life already. That's all I want.

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions!

1. Draw a new picture once a week [at least]! This means I want to finish with at least 52 more drawings by next New Years!
2. Write/Finish a book. I want to end the year with a book completed. I don't expect it to be my masterpiece, I just expect it to start me off in the world of writing, and it's about time I get my ass in gear and finish what I started [or start something new and actually get it done this time]!
3. Make a video a month and post it online. I have just been slacking so much in the video-making department! So it's time to get my ass in gear [yet again!] and start being worth the subscription, get some consistency going.
   
4. Get noticed! :D This would just be plain awesome. I'm not trying to narrow it down though, I just want to get noticed...and this could mean anything from self-publish a book and actually sell some copies, get a poem or something published in a magazine, get more viewers on my website who comment and actually seem to pay attention to my random ass rants and such, or even just getting a significant amount of new subscribers on YT! I don't know nor care, as long as I feel that I'm getting better known.
   
5. Start eating healthier. I've been eating too much candy and sweets lately and I think it's really starting to affect my body. I wanna stop eating SO much candy and sweets to start eating healthy. If you saw my last post, one step I'm taking towards this is ONLY eating candy when I meet specific writing goals [which will be available to see on the calender of Ashira's Notebook once I'm done constructing the site again]
6. Get C's or higher in every class. I have a couple D's that I want to raise to at least C's by the end of the school year. And my C's I want to be B's, and my B's I want to be A's. If I can't get an A, however, I want the lowest of a C. I won't settle for less!
7. Make MONEY!!! I want to make $500+ to put towards savings. This means get a job, sell a bunch of crap - WHATEVER - as long as I get the cash...legally.
8. Move Out. I am REALLY hoping that between October and December I'll be moving out into an apartment, more likely than not with my mate Rue and/or my sister Kay Kay, but if this isn't accomplished this year then I'm ok because it'll just be postponed a few months, I'm sure. If not, then it'll be with good reason ^-^ Hoping it doesn't though cuz bejeebus...I need my own space man!
9. See Sesaya :3 My plan is to see Ses for Christmas this year [it's partly why I wanna save so much money] because God I love that woman, and I'Z NEEDZ TO SEEZ HER!!! If I don't...I will die a little inside. I really will.
10. Have an over all good year! I'm not gonna lie, I had a shitty 2011...Hell, I had a shitty 2010, and an even shitter 2009! I don't wanna just have another shitty year. I want to look back on this year and go "Hey, I was in high school. That alone makes that year suck ass...but at least I did the best I could!"

Help me motivate myself by subscribing to my YouTube Channel, following my blog [here], becoming a member of my website, or becoming a follower on my deviantART. Feel free to financially support me through donations via PayPal [blackstainedsorrow@yahoo.com] or by buying art on my MySoti page [95% of donated funds will go towards seeing Ses :3...the other 5% is gonna go toward (for some reason crazy expensive) food at the airport/gas money depending on how I get there lolz]

RANDOM END NOTE: My old drama director is offering classes. If you live in the Denver Area, know that he is an AMAZING teacher and you won't be disappointed. Get in while there's still room! http://denveralternative.weebly.com/classes.html

Food For Thought

Here are some old thoughts of mind from within the month that I e-mailed myself when I was tired and didn't know if it was just me being tired that made me think this way, or if I actually agreed with it. I think I pretty much agree with it still, and it's even a quote I'm thinking of using in a book at some point:

"Sometimes I find that I hate having friends. On occasion I even go so far as to hate having specific friends. Not to say I hate my friends or anything, no, just that at times I wish I didn't have the responsibility some friendships require. All I mean is that there are days I don't particularly feel the need to talk to or even associate with certain people merely because it means associating with more people than I'd like. I wish it was as easy as making friends and saying screw you to anyone else that comes along, but honestly as much of a bitch as I can be, I'm too nice to do that to everyone who is really just trying to be good to me and give me a chance. Though I have to say, if I could choose a specific number of people I was limited to being friends with, I'd choose 5 because it's a middle number-not too much and not too little. I can't pick only 5 people I know who I would want to be in that 5 for the rest of my life however because I like all the friends I have. I love them, and in fact consider them my chosen family. I suppose in that sense they're just like family: I love them, I really do, but like family I am sometimes irritated at their mere existence."

What do you think about this quote? Do you think I'm just being a bitch, or do you agree with me? Leave a comment and tell me your thoughts

How to Actually Write A Novel

Since I was in the 2nd grade I've been writing and brainstorming countless series, thinking of my aspirations of being a writer, looking up to the high writers such as Stephen King and J. R. R. Tolkien, dreaming of having the time to just sit and write my little heart out for life. As I've grown up, I've found that a lot changes and the world becomes more open as well as more complex with the more experience you have. First off, I don't just admire the people with money and books on the Top Seller list [otherwise Stephanie Meyer would be my idol, and I think the Twilight Saga is mostly bullshit], but that I admire amazing writing, skill, and passion. I admire people like Amelia Atwater-Rhodes and R. A. Salvatore more than anyone else currently. Secondly, I've realized how hard it is to be motivated enough to write all the time, and not just that, but how much more difficult it is to get by in life by JUST writing.

Since the day when I realized being a novelist isn't a job I can live off of, I've been constantly searching for that career choice that is my "second runner up," that I can do to make money and write as I do it, yet not hate it.

I don't think I'll ever find that job.

I'm one unmotivated individual. I gotta face the facts: if I don't enjoy doing something, 9 times out of 10 I won't see it all the way through, and 4 of those 9 times I won't even do it at all. But with writing it's different. I can get lost in what I want to do. Do I want to be an office worker today? Then I just write about one. Do I want to be a sound tech today? Suddenly I've got a new script in mind, and need to focus on the soundtrack. Not only that but I can even wake up and tell myself I want to be a 10 foot tall raging monster who's mother is Godzilla herself, and technically I can do that. The majority of the time I won't want to be an office worker because seriously...who does? If I wanna do sound tech work I will probably just find a director in need of one and happily put in the hours. And it's not every day ANY person - sane or not - wakes up and wishes they were a Godzilla spawn. By being a writer, however, I at least have the ability to wake up with whatever in mind, and make that happen.

By being a writer, I've opened myself up to enjoying the aspects of many things I find interest in all in one single career choice. There's no second runner up to that. I mean, I guess if I sit and think about it I do love tech work second best to writing [because I'm not just bringing them to life with words, I'm bringing them to life with the senses as well], but if I did tech work the rest of my life I'd forget my love of writing in the hectic hours of hell week after hell week working on various plays. Even though I have no problem putting in hours of dedicated, hard work on a play, I don't think I could do it as more of a hobby. It's too much work for me to do more than two plays a year, and even that is pushing it a bit. And even beyond that, I would just be in the same boat there - low paychecks and instability.

So basically I'm stuck in a creative hole where I can't be completely independent if I want to get by in the world we live in, and that's including a minimum wage day-job as a waitress or a cashier or a sign holder. I have big dreams, and saving penny after penny may get me money to live on, I selfishly won't just accept that little bit. I want to reach my goals of living in a castle in Ireland, traveling all over the Euro-Asian continents, and still having the money to spoil my future kid rotten if I so choose [but trust me, I won't be spoiling that kid too much... I can't spoil it to a point where I grow to hate it, or I'll just die...or something].

My only solution thus far is to spend my life doing what I love, and the rest will either fall into place or wasn't mean to be. I've kicked the "get the fuck over yourself" mentality out completely because I don't want to be unhappy in my life. I want to live it to the fullest, live it as if there is no second chances, live it in a way that at any moment I could drop dead and not regret anything in my last few moments alive.

So I've been taking my writing more seriously lately. So far, I'm at the "Creative Writing Major" mentality [personally I think this one will stick. Even if I get out of this phase, I can see it coming right back like it has various times before. It might not, but I can always hope], and through it I've been thinking like a madman. My mind is constantly racing. I went to bed last night reading a book on my new Kindle Fire called "Write Good or Die" [a compilation of helpful essays from fellow writers who had good advice to share to aspiring writers. I heavily recommend it] and woke up thinking about my website. I spent all day today talking to a friend of mine, James, about a book he's working on as well as my Lunias series and just going back and forth, gaining advice in the process of learning about his story. For the past two days, about 85% of my mentality has revolved around writing. And for weeks before these two days, it's been on my mind so much it's been killing me. If I wasn't constantly running around, I'd have just used my time to write.

Because I'm sick of just thinking about it, I've decided that it's time to actually get cracking. Somehow I need to get myself to write more, even through shitty-ass high school. So basically it's time to make some changes [consider these New Year resolutions to a sense]:

First off, I'm going to set aside time at least once a week for me to just write. I really, really want to reach that goal: Write for at least an hour once a week. I need to get into the habit of writing, even when I'm not in the mood. It's not writing that gets me stuck into a "I'm not writing" phase and prevents me from getting shit done in the first place.

Next, I'm going to get a book done one way or another this year. My plan for this is to follow that very helpful advice given in Write Good or Die [as well as various other resources] and do things like the following while I'm writing:

• I will shut down the internet while I write. The most internet usage I will need when I write my stories will be to find a playlist of music, if I even do that. All internet beyond music is not useful to my writing at all [except in the research and possibly editing/revising stages].
• I will not edit or revise while I'm writing! I need to write first and get that writing done. To make sure I don't go back and edit/revise my work before it's complete, I will start a new document for each day I write and start anew each and every time. Before I complete my writing I will write a short summary of what I wrote the day before so I can know where I left off without finding the desire to edit that work. Going back to old documents is strictly forbidden until the end of the project/goal, and I'm actually at my editing and revising stage.
  
• I will set goals to get at certain points in my projects by certain days so I'm not completely unmotivated to get my work done. If I reach these goals, I will reward myself with candy. [As an aside goal to eat healthier, I will only eat candy when these goals are met...if I can help it, for my thigh's and stomach's sakes I hope I can help it]
  
• I will plan an entire book out before I begin work on it. I need to know what I'm writing before I write it, and since planning as I go doesn't get the job done at ALL, a clear, long planning stage is in order.
• I will finish a book this year. It doesn't matter how shitty it turns out, or if I'm even proud of the actual story. If I finish a book, I will be one step closer to being a full-fledged, professional novelist one day. That's the ultimate goal!
  

Hopefully some of my goals can help you set your own as a writer [or whatever else if it's helpful for that too somehow]. Until next time!