Attendance Has Never Been My Strong Point...

*sighs* Another day of school missed today... Today makes 15 absences total, and it's only been half the year. That's not including my tardies either.

I really hope I can get this turned around once I get a car. In all honesty, I'm thinking I will...that is I'm like 85% sure I can get it turned around... I hate myself sometimes for crap like this...oi...

My biggest issue with this is motivation. In all honesty, I am NOT motivated to go to school. When college rolls around I'm sure I'll be more motivated to get to class and to work hard [for the classes I choose to go to anyway...that Freshman, maybe Sophomore year(s) where I'm making up some stuff like math that I didn't do so well in high school...not so much...]. Since I'm so unmotivated to go to school, however, I tend to be less willing to go, and therefore my parents are less willing to take me. Oi...I really gotta fix that.

Oh well. I'll use today to review for tomorrows finals and to finish my math homework, relax tomorrow night after finals [or stress about them and the grades I'll get on them - whichever happens, happens, but I won't have work to do :3], finish the math test I missed after school Thursday, and get some damn sleep on Friday. Saturday I'll be headed to the mountains with Rue, and I'm really excited for that. A whole week of just him and I...and his family...woot.

Ok I'm so done talking about high school. How about college?

I saw Kenny [my old drama director] on Saturday night. It was really great to see him again, though I'm sure he felt a tad overwhelmed. Everyone wanted to get a say in with him. Everyone. He sat in front of me, between Chase and Emily, and kept going back and forth between the two. I didn't want to be another person so I waited my turn. After he talked to pretty much everyone at the table, I took my chance and I asked him about some college suggestions. I told him I was having difficulties deciding between majors [and minors], even though I currently have some ideas in mind [Asian studies/Travel Writing + Creative Writing could change just as easily as all my previous plans]. He said that I shouldn't be so caught up in that; that I should just get a feel for college before I even decide. He gave a valid point, too, that college gives you more options to look into. Once I've gotten a feel for college and gotten a taste of some of the things I might not otherwise have looked into, and only once I've done that should I focus on deciding what I want to major and minor in, etc. I figured that was some good advice to share.

Anyway, despite that I still don't feel comfortable going in blindly so I'm giving myself good ideas to consider while in college. I'm not officially planning anything as of yet, but still - pre-planning/brainstorming is always a good step to take. So currently I'm

MUSIC: DisneySongsLover <-- been listening to a shit ton of Disney lately lolz Currently the ones I'm most frequent with are "God Help the Outcasts" from the Hunchback of Notre Dame, "Colors of the Wind" and "Around the Riverbend" from Pocahontas [fucking LOVE that movie!], and "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid [thinking of you lots Kay Kay X3]. What're your favorite Disney songs and why? :3

ARTWORK: SongDog <-- lately she's been working a lot with her tablet, and getting much much better the more she works. Check out her gallery! [Soon she'll have my commission so keep up with her :3]

Randomness

I just have a ton of random stuff on my mind, and it's been a while since I posted anything so eh, why not rant?

I'll start with Tuesday: On Tuesday I went to CSU for a school field trip, and it was so awesome. I really, really like the campus and everything, it has a lot to offer, and it just seems like an overall great place. I'm heavily considering going there to a point where I'm just wavering between the line of "Do I really need to even look at other colleges? 'cuz I'm pretty sure this is the one." I'll definitely mention it when I do decide :3 Until then, however, I'm really liking the idea of CSU. Next stage is to choose what I wanna major and minor in [or at least start getting a good, general idea]. I know I want either Art, Drama, or Literature to be my major, and then one of the other two to be my minor, though I'm also considering a double minor/major. I'm just not in a college setting yet, so I've yet to decide if I wanna do that or not, and I figure time in college will help me with that choice, so I'm not too heavy on the double minor/major idea. I really just want to go into college knowing what I wanna major in, and I'm having a hard time deciding between the three. I have very different feelings on it every day. Some days I think that Literature would be best, then Drama and Art. Other days Art is my most important asset, then Literature and Drama. And still other days Drama is more important then Literature and Art. Most of the time [or at least lately] though, I've been having troubles deciding all around because I'm just not sure at all which is more important. Also, my main career has been an issue. I don't fully know what I wanna do with my life. All I have down is tattoo artist and writer, and that in itself is just not enough income for my big dreams. I want to find something for drama in my life too, as in a main goal not just some simple little "I'll do Drama in my spare time" thing too. I want all three of my favorite things to be a part of my life, and equally important. Whatever though. It's just what's on my mind. Hopefully by the end of senior year I can have this all decided.

Another thing: Rue. Rue left about 2 and a half months ago for Job Corps and I've missed him SO MUCH. I can get through my life without him here, and it's a lot less hard on me than I originally thought, but I just miss him so much. He's so wonderful even through the distance, though, and for that I'm grateful. I worry about him...I worry a lot. But I see him in December, and maybe we can talk about his situation more then.

I'm at my friend, Emily's, house. Actually I'm using her computer to type all this X3 Usually I bring my laptop, but I'm letting my other friend, Akari, use it for the month. She needs it for NaNoWriMo cuz her parents are psycho and won't let her use anything with internet even though it's for school [that's her project for Creative Writing, is NaNoWriMo]. So, because I trust her, I'm letting her borrow mine and I'm just using another computer at my house to write my own NaNoWriMo. Speaking of NaNoWriMo, I'm trying to finish Truth, or at least significantly add to it. Tomorrow when I get home I'm going to start on it [I only just yesterday got the file from my laptop to work on] and hopefully get a good word count for the day. I doubt I'll reach 50,000 this month, but I can always try. I'm really excited for it :3

Oh! Random other thing: I got my first Stage Manager position for a play ever this year! It's for a puppet show that our drama teacher wrote. It's called Rock Man, and it's about a, well, rock man who strives to get to the top of this big mountain. It's for little kids, so before you go "that's weird," realize that it is, and that kids love weird stuff XD I made a puppet for it [The Goat God], and I also helped work on the set. I'll post pictures up on my deviantART and furaffinity so that you can see the work I did once I get the chance :3

Well...that's about it. The only other thing I have on my mind is SKYRIIIIIIM!!! and how excited I am to go home and play it hehehe But now I think I'ma get some sleep while I got the chance. It's already 3:40am and I have a preformance tomorrow >.< Yes, that play I'm Stage Managing is already up. If you're in the Westminster, CO area you should totally come! It's at ACS at 6:30pm on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday next week if you can't make it at the same time tomorrow...er...today. lolz I'ma go to bed X3

Penny for Your Thou-College Fund?

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately, been talking to a lot of people, been trying to just figure everything out, and I've come to the obvious realization... this stuff is complicated.

To narrow it down, I've given myself a time limit and certain subjects to be concerned about. Specifically, I'm trying to think of where I want to be in my life about two years from now, and how I want to acomplish those goals. Two of my main goals for that time is to have a car and an appartment. Two years is NOT a lotta time for those huge financial ventures in a time where I'm gonna be thinking about and going to college as well...but I'm hoping I'll make it nonetheless.

I want to have a car first, then I'll focus on the appartment. The appartment is important to have before Rue comes home so him and I can move in together as soon as he's back [for anyone who's confused, Rue is going to Utah for Job Corps for two years some time this month, latest of November, and that's where I get my 2-year-time-limit thing]. I'm hoping I'll get an appartment some time around 6 months after I turn 18. In other words...I needa car before I turn 18 [so I drive to the job that I'll somehow have], and I'm not sure how I'll be getting it... beg for a mega awesome super birthday present? Haha I wish.

Moving on though: I'll be doing online school over this upcoming summer, graduating a semester early, and having a job that I magically get in between there so that I can save for a Christmas vacation I'm planning on taking next year [Can't wait to see you Ses! :3] and more. From there on it's nothing but save, save, save for a car unless my parents ever so kindly lend me some money to get one...in that case it'd be a lot of paying off this loan and much less saving. Anyhoo... regardless of how it all specifically goes down, I need a car and an appartment soon after I get a job, and the car I might need before [depending on where my job is].

Another thing on my list is college... What I want to do is go to Front Range [nearby community college] and save some money, then later on when I've gone there for my freshman and sophmore years, I assume I'll have a much better idea of where I specifically wanna go plus what I wanna major and minor in, so that's as far as my college ideas go. I am excited to experience college though! I want to graduate cuz I'm sick of high school, and I'm ready for something new. Something I know that thus far isn't a dying interest is art school, and the possiblity of becoming a tattoo artist. If I don't pursue that, I just might become an editor, a director, or something totally different that'll come to me later in life.

Other than that I have few other plans... I know I'll be moving in with my friend Emily, I'm working on books and figuring out things so that I can get myself a bit better known [cuz I wanna be able to publish a book in a few years...it'd be nice], and to make the next big step in my relationship when Rue gets back [in other words, move in with him].

I wanna enjoy my life in the meantime and not concern myself too much with my work ethic or my future or all those stressful things until Rue is in Utah and I have more time to myself to think about those things anyway. I'm excited to move forward in life, but until things really start moving I'm not going to think much about it all - it's draining me to be honest. It's funny though to think of that, cuz this time 2 years ago I was stressing out about how my plans for the future were falling apart, and not reaching the standards I was hoping for. I was frustrated that I had open spots in my plans, and I was angry that I had my life planned out perfectly up until I turned 30 and then it all went to shit. Now, however, I'm happy that there's blank spots. I'm still planning, but I'm also planning to plan, if that makes sense. I know well enough that I'll be spending my time in the future enjoying things, learning more, understanding certain things in my life better, and maturing, and once I hit a time where I can more clearly and speicifically fill in the blanks, I'll begin to. Until then I'm going to take my time, enjoy life for what it's worth, and just be happy that I'm not concerned about every little puzzle peice being in it's specific, right place. Who would want to stress themselves out that much?

Are you bi-curious?

My friend posted a note on Facebook that was terrible enough to almost reach me to tears. It was depressing to be able to see cruelty on that kind of sickening level, and I felt that it not only tore him down, but it tore me down as well. I've put it below so that you can read it and understand what I mean, but just skip anything that's indented if you feel that you can't handle it. He just copied and pasted his conversation, so "You" refers to him, and of course "Stranger" refers to whoever the hell had the nerve to be that cruel:

Stranger: no
You: nope...
You: I'm full out gay :D
Stranger: enjoy hell
You: Oh, I will, ignorant whore
Stranger: you say that know till your flesh is burning off for al etrinty
You: oh, you really ARE smart aren't you?
Stranger: smart enough not to piss God off by doing what he ask us not to do
You: obviously he knows everything, and just hates gays enough to make me anorexic, an insomniac, nervous, and oh! What do you know?? I'm LIKED you christian bitch
Stranger: he doesnt hate you just the sin that you continue to do over and over
You: you honestly think i would CHOOSE THIS?????
Stranger: yes
You: I get books, rocks, food, pens, etc thrown at me EVERY DAY.... still think I fucking like that??
Stranger: gay is not a gene like how tall you will be or the color of your eyes
Stranger: you must or you would stop
You: it's not a choice
Stranger: it is to
You: YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU'RE STRAIGHT!!
Stranger: easy i deside not to fuck other men and to be attracted to women
Stranger: like that
You: then why is it said that god loves ALL his children??? Am I not a person
Stranger: he does love you just not te sin you are doing =)
You: WHAT SIN???
Stranger: never said he hated you
You: IS IT A SIN TO LOVE????
Stranger: its not a sin to love its a sin to fuck another man
Stranger: ts adam and eve not adam and steve
You: I'm a fucking virgin... I've only ever been looked at once!! I thought about killing myself for years... just to stop people like you to keep taking my medication
Stranger: it sad that you have picked this road from the start
You: what road???
Stranger: chosing to be gay and the road to killing yourself
Stranger: but its not to late change your ways and ask forgivness from him
You: to change my ways... I got help, I'm not suicidal anymore, and I take anti-depressants... what do I need forgiveness for???
Stranger: for desiding to be gay
You: do you know how that makes me feel???
Stranger: dont realy care
Stranger: really*
You: so what?? all gay people are worthless???
Stranger: where did i say that?
You: fine.. what is WRONG with us?
Stranger: your sinning by laying with other men and women and that is agenest God's law
You: oh really? and you have direct contact with god?
Stranger: I do its called the Bible
You: ...that is a peice of shit.... I like the stories, but if anyone dared MAKE me read it, I would just stop and walk away from them.. I really do respect all religions, when when it's pushed in my FACE, I get pretty fucking pissed off. What makes you so perfect? I'm an athiest, but I've NEVER hurt anyone. I've NEVER done anything truly wrong. I've TRIED to be straight... but I'm not. There is no sin that I have committed that is even vaguly connected to that
You: I have gone through years of bullying, and I didn't do anything about it, I let people walk all over me, and honestly, I really hate it when this of all fucking things is forced at me by someone I have the pleasure of not seeing.
Stranger: there is your 1st problem you dont believe so living in sin is normal and seems ok and right with you but when you discover that there is an Almighty God you will understand
You: I understand that there is something out there, but I have different beliefs, so respect that
Stranger: you just said your athiest that means you believe in nothing
You: I don't have a religion, because almost ALL of them are homophobic, just like you
Stranger: Im not homophobic i just know its wrong and i dont surround myself with that kind of thing and if all of them in your words are "Homophobic" that means its wrong
You: you are.. what you just said proves it
Stranger: doesnt im not scared of homos at all
Stranger: phobic= scared of
You: no, you are scared that you are gay, as if it's a virus, spreading to any person it can, just to drag them to hell
Stranger: Im not scared of anything about it I disagree with it. its not a virus its a choise
You: ...you're kidding me... it's NEVER been a choice for me, you honestly think any 14 year old would LIKE to be gay, to be harrased, to not even let in to his sister's wedding??
Stranger: if it was a virus people would look for a cure for it and you do have a choice 14 or not you just dont want to give it up
You: it's people like you who cause suicides, the fact you openly say that anyone who is gay is going to hell, no matter what they do, they could be amazing people, who work with the poor, and help everyone they can, even if they would give their own life up for someone else... you have the balls to say that that person would go to hell.....
Stranger: and i have gay friens and if its a virus why havent i cought it or my other friends that a straight why dont they magicaly trunned lesbian and gay? because its something you want to be
You: dear god! You honestly think I MEANT it's a virus??? It's not, and it's NOT a choice
Stranger: well if its not a choice it not a virus and not a gene what s it?
You: it's a part of you
Stranger: and i do have the balls to say they would go to hell because they are desiding to do wrong things
Stranger: no its not you dumb little shit head
You: and who are YOU to say what the wrong things are???
Stranger: I never said I was the guy to say whats wrong but God is and HE says it is
You: how do you know that?? And don't give me the shit excuse that it's in the bible
Stranger: the fact that it is in the Bible is all i need
Stranger: you dont like that because you know its true
You: people like you..... it's people like YOU who deserve to go to hell
You: and that should be in your damn bible
Stranger: why because im right and you are facing the music that your wrong
You: You know what, just go, and fuck yourself like you like, then come back, and if you DARE say anything homophobic, I WILL hunt you down
Stranger: you know what go kill yourself your life and this world will be better for it
You: haha, I say hi to your lover, and say I feel sorry for them
Stranger: you little faggot
You: DONT YOU DARE USE THAT WORD
Stranger: FAGGOT
Stranger: HOMO
Stranger: DICK SUCKER
You: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT
Stranger: say what FAGGOT
Stranger: QUEER
You: STOP IT!!
Stranger: stop what FAGGOT
You: STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!!
Stranger: what one QUEER OR FAGGOT
You: BOTH!
Stranger: fine QUEERBAIT
You: STOP CALLING ME NAMES!
Stranger: YOU FUCKING FAIRY
You: OH FUCK NO... I AM SICK OF PUTTING UP WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU, AND I REFUSE TO DO SO
Stranger: you CUM GUZZLING HOMO FAGGOT QUEER
You: STOP IT!
You: PLEASE!
Stranger: or wait you weak pussy fair faggot
You: fine... what do you want from me?
Stranger: to admitt that you know your wrong
Stranger: and mean it
You: I'm not wrong.....
Stranger: yes you are you fucking fairy faggot
You: ...no
Stranger: yes or it wouldnt hurt so bad you dick licking fairy queerbait pussy fag
You: STOP IT!!
Stranger: FUCK YOU FAIRY
You: I"M NOT A FAIRY
Stranger: yes you are gay guy queer
You: yes, I am gay, but I'm NOT a FUCKING FAIRY
Stranger: you are to you faggot
You: I'M NOT A FAIRY
You: STOP IT
Stranger: yes you are fairy boy
You: how could I get you to stop?
Stranger: already told you
You: but....
Stranger: do it
You: I'm....
Stranger: because i have got alot more things i could say
You: ....
Stranger: say it and mean it and change your ways
You: but... I like who I am....
Stranger: o you dont you just complained about it
You: I may not like my circumstances, but I like myself as a person
Stranger: then get use to it you fucking pice of shit fairy faggot dick licking homo
You: ....I'm not a peice of shit...
Stranger: your right your a fucking fairy
You: stop it.... please....
Stranger: no
Stranger: i cant help it its part of me i dont have a say in what an asshole i can be
You: you don't even know what it's like......
Stranger: no i do im an asshole and its just pat of me and i like it
Stranger: im not going to stop
You: please.....just stop.....
Stranger: fuck you fairy
You: fine...
Stranger: see how stupid that point is of yours is its part of me
Stranger: you desided to be gay i choise to be an asshole
You: i didn't descide it
Stranger: sure you shit fairy faggot just like I idnt deside to be an asshole
You: just stop...please...I'll do anything other than that....
Stranger: no you fairy change your ways
You: I can't...
Stranger: you can
You: no.. i cant...
Stranger: you can
You: no I can't
You: just because you keep saying it doesn't make it true
You have disconnected.

He didn't deserve that kind of treatment. Nobody does. Thus begins my arguement:

I'll start here: He doesn't have the right to say that anyone will go to Hell. If he personally believes that someone will go to hell, then good for him. He doesn't have the right to decide it though. [Provided there is one] Only God decides who does and who doesn't go to Hell. End of story.

Next... To the comments "Ignorant Whore" and "Christian Bitch"... Now I do disagree with pestering someone right off the bat just for their beliefs. This guy was obviously just voicing [inappropriately] that he believes that as a homosexual, you'll be damned to hell and all that my friend did was call him names. That is wrong and intollerant...but I'll overlook that because as the conversation continues, we quickly realize that this guy was obviously just getting a taste of the Karma that'll hit him much harder later in life.

Thirdly and fourth, choice and genes. Is homosexuality a choice? Why or why not? I'll admit that it could be, but in certain situations it's not. Take a look at this to understand what I mean. If that's not enough, then look at this.

Next: DON'T SHOVE YOUR RELIGION DOWN ANYONE'S THROAT. IT'S NOT APPRICIATED IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. Thank you.

Lastly... Faggot is not an ok word. It is on the same level of severity as nigger in almost every situation. It is a word that is only unquestioned when used among homosexuals. That is my opinion at least, and I'm sure many people agree with me. Name calling as a whole is wrong, bullying is wrong, and what this guy did to my friend is harrassment and bullying on a whole new level. It's cruel and unusual. Please support me and others for causes like this here:

http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

As I Lay Awake

If you're reading this only for the school related information, skip down to the italic dark red paragraph.

It's funny how now that I've started school and got more work on my shoulders, that I've suddenly also been handed more time to just sit and think. This time to think that I get does make sense though... it's when I'm expected to be sleeping, but due to my almost insomniac ways, I just sit there for hours, awake, doing nothing but thinking. I both find this time nice and calming, as well as brutal and depressing.

Just to get it out of the way, the depressing thoughts that come to my head are the negative things that have happened in my life, and though I do come up with the answer "well if that didn't happen, I wouldn't have learned this," but nonetheless just lying there in a helpless state and just being vulnerable to the oncoming wave of depression I thought I'd pushed back is a little terrifying...it's why I stay up at night, usually: so I don't dream of these things and relive them again and again.

But some positive things come across...I have to keep my sanity sometimes, right? It's usually just simple things that happen when I'm having a particularly hard time with the negative thoughts and I'm just trying to divert my mind from where it wanders otherwise. These things include my website, school and my new schedule, family, Rue, and how to make my future bright. And just while you're reading now [whether or not you continue], I also have a few things in blue at the bottom that I'd really appriciate if you turned your attention to, thanks.

Something I've noticed with my website is how much my own personal workings into it have changed... I'm less focused on making it nice and updating it, and more focused on getting people to come to it. This does significantly change my involvement...I don't update everything anymore, I just post writings and art as I do them to their designated pages, occationally post to the news page and bam! done for the week, or whatever. With people, eh, it's much harder. See, I have a problem: I don't know how to get people more interested in it [which btw if you have feedback PLEASE share with me - I'd be uber happy to hear it at ashiracartel@yahoo.com or you can comment below]. I've posted Ashira's Notebook links everywhere, and I've personally asked people to look at it and perhaps join, but nobody ever cares enough to. Some will join out of politeness, but most of the members don't keep up with anything... it makes me sad. I know my family looks at it every so often, but most of the time it's just to brag to friends about "Oh, my cousin made a website," or to show their friend my art, in which their friend goes "cool" and never looks at it again. I know 2 people who keep up with what I do, and anyone else who does only does so because I tell them when I've updated and ask them to check it out. I've looked at the numbers of visitors and yes, it's rising ever so slowly [which makes me happy - don't get me wrong], but I just wish Ashira's Notebook and Ashira's Forum could have more constant visitors and members, and through them we could actually start forming that community of artists of all kinds that I've been looking for. The things I've looked at to get people to visit is (A) Advertising, of course, and (B) Business cards specially. With business cards, my biggest issue is just being broke... once I get some cash in my pocket I'll probably jump right on getting business cards and that'll be the only advertising before I make the physical changes to AN. Speaking of which, the only physical changes I really want to make is to make art for the website like banners and backgrounds for each individual page [though I don't want to personally make them, I want members of Ashira's Community to do it, so that's hard without advertising]. I also would love to purchase a URL of my own [in other words, a link without the whole .webs thing in it]...though that might have to wait until after I have a job and maybe some generous members to help me afford it as well, heh. Last change I'd want to make is a mission statement for AN, which I'm working to get done even before getting business cards...it's just that important. That and a logo, and other simple things like that. As far as goal making goes, I'm hoping to make all this happen before I get to college.

Moving on... School. Just because I want to make sure everyone is aware, for school I am unable to talk during the week usually. I may reply to a text or e-mail here and there, and I rarely will pop in on IM, but overall I won't check anything because I want to focus on my schoolwork. What this means for you is just a few simple things:
A) Patience. I am begging you, and I mean you as in everyone - not just friends - including just general Ashira's Notebook people in an attempt to contact me via e-mail, to simply have patience with me and wait for me to get the time to respond to you. I already have a lot going on in my head to the point where without the world's supply of sticky notes, I'd forget everything and go completely mad... I can't just hit a pause button and get to you as soon as you need me. Sorry guys, I don't have a Click remote.
B) Understanding. Very simple one - please understand that when I take a couple weeks to reply to an e-mail, or I say no to a request such as a complicated commission/I take a really long time to complete your commission...stuff like that. Please be respectful, realize that I have a busy life of my own, and know that it is noticed and honestly, greatly appriciated.
and C) Help. I could especially use help. I don't mean this as a cry for help like "help me! I'm dying!" No, I mean this as a "I could really use some more website staff members/AN community members/etc." It says on the website that Emmah DaVinci is another staff member but in all honesty she is never on, and leads a busy life of her own that, unfortunately, may result in finding a new artist for Itami. In other words, I'm running the website on my own, and it's getting to a point that not too long from now will cause it to become near impossible to run by myself. Please e-mail me at ashiracartel@yahoo.com if you are interested in helping me and by becoming a staff member; you are needed!
Besides those three simple things, all you need to know is communication is usually open on weekends if I'm not busy with other people because communication is rare on weekdays. I'll be updating the calander on AN so that you can see what breaks I'll have in the school year, and what times may become really hectic to the point where even on weekends it's hard for me.

Ok, I'm done with my cries for help now. My last things with family...eh, mostly just me thinking about how much I wanna move out and how to make that possible lolz With Rue, it's a lot of personal things that overall just are enjoying his company now, missing him later, and how to keep our relationship from falling apart through the distance. Then I only have how to make my future bright which I'm doing by thinking of how I want to spend the rest of my life, thinking about college, studying now and getting my grades up [and keeping them there! That's key!], and other things. I lot of it dumbs down to I want to up my skills and learn more, which dumbs down to practice makes perfect haha and if I had time to practice, I'd be happy to...but I don't sooo....poopy.

The last things I want to share with you are important to me and if anything, I want you to take this information and make it count:

AMY: Please read this news on AN concerning my commission openness and a dying out wolfdog rehabilitaion. If you'd like to help someone in need, who is an absolutely amazing, hard working person who deserves the support and more, then please read this now! Heck, help out and you get art out of the deal. Thank you!

SESAYA: My sister/best friend and mentor, Sesaya, is an absolutely wonderful artist who has been working on some fabulous artwork that she has been hoping to sell. Check out her furaffinity page and her commission price sheet to check out her artwork, and get more artwork-for-sale information. Thank you!

Ending Links:
My website: http://www.ashirasnotebook.webs.com/
My deviantART: http://ashiracartel.deviantart.com/

End Note:
When I next find the time, I'll be making a post on here about artwork and how I feel about it, and my book commentary thingy [yes, this is more here to remind me but hey! Now you know too! :D lolz]

Newest Project

Hello everyone! I just thought I'd let you all know that I'm going to be working on a project - a book commentary. I'm going to be reading through an entire book and commenting on pretty much everything it has to say. If you're interested in hearing, then I'll be doing this on writer's cafe here. Hope you enjoy it!

Sellin' stuffz

Ok, so pretty recently I was on furaffinity [which btw I made one XD I got nothin' on it yet but check it out by clicking here] and I found a user that made metal collars. I wasn't too interested in getting one, but the designs were pretty and I figured that it'd be fun to look at. What I found was something pretty awesome though...I found a triforce XD I know, makes total sense right? Well look in this picture and see what I mean!

*turns on Zelda music in the background*

This triforce inspired me to do something awesome. Before I go on, however, I have to tell you about why this money making idea is so important: I'll be taking a trip to France and Spain for 12 days during my Spring Break vacation with my school. The trip costs around $3000 for me alone, and my mom's trying to go as well. So basically, this money making idea I had would be a fundraiser for France and Spain [provided people buy...which prolly won't happen, knowing my luck]. Anyhoo...the TRIFORCE. It inspired me to decide on making fun keychains out of the same thing that it was made out of, melty beads, and sell them for a few bucks a piece. Do you think that these would sell, or that these are a stupid idea thought of by a girl with too big of a Zelda obsession for her own good?

Not only that, but I figured that I could get some felt and thread, etc. and sew a few stuffed animals as well for selling for the same cause. What about this idea; it ok? lolz

For both these ideas, would you buy or am I just uber excited for stupid reasons? X3 Thanks for reading! ~Ash out

Commissions?

A wolf-dog rehabilitation center is in real need of some cash, so I'll be doing commissions to help! The owner's name is Amy Byrd, and she's a very hard working and dedicated woman who is just having a little difficulties financially. The goal is to raise $2000 dollars for her sake due to this, and I'm very happy to help make this hapen :3

If you're interested in learning more about my commissions for her cause, read the journal on my FurAffinity [FA] in her dedication.

If you'd like to learn more about Amy's situation and exactly where the money is going toward, then check out this journal on one of my friend's FA.

If you have a PayPal account and would like to donate directly to Amy's cause, then it goes through at wolfrescuedonations@yahoo.com

Thank you for taking the time to just read this, and thank you again if you donate in any way, shape, or form!

My Response To My Dad's Response Part 2

If you haven't read part one, you should probably start by reading it here. I'm going to write the rest of this blog post as if I was replying to my dad, so don't confuse you as a whole with the you I'm refering to - my dad.

Thank you for aknowledging that I actually use my brain! ...or at least attempt to most days X3 Thinking truly is an art that needs to be mastered, is it not? Also, it's nice to know that you're open-minded. I am too, and I now know where I get it hehe

In this first quote you mentioned, yes it was from my friend and I'm glad you now know that. But I will give you my thoughts on her words: I don't have much room to argue. How can a God described by so many as a loving God, a perfect God, etc. be so malicious as to let things like children be murdered, let women get raped, or have gone so far as letting the holocaust even happen? It's part of where my "good guy God" belief comes into play for me: I think the Creator's heart is in a good place, but that if we have a Creator, that it makes mistakes just as we do. Some of these may result in things just that major in our lives. If not, then maybe they were just meant to happen to show us to love life more than we do. It could even be so odd [well I suppose I don't think it's odd...] an idea as karma following us from a past life. I can also say I believe everything happens for a reason, even if it does come down to us not knowing why.

I'll have to look into theodicy more, though I'm sure I'll come across it when I read Plato's works, which I definitely plan to.

This is meant for my friend. Skip the italics words if you want to get back to my response to my dad:
I'm not a furry for the reputation. I not into Yiff [furporn] - there's way too much of it too - and I have met some seriously weird furries that I can honestly say need some psyciatric help. You turn on the TV and most things about furries are on the show Strange Addictions when a furry was socially awkward and dealt with it by basically never taking off her fursuit; or on [I think it was] CSI on the episode where there was a backwards rapist guy who happened to be a furry as well. It all adds up to a VERY bad furry reputation. Hell, even my parents think it's weird. But I'm still a furry. Why? Because I like the art [which alone by definition makes me a furry], I like fursuits and even want one, the fandom itself and some of the good people you meet within it are fun and enjoyable, and I don't like the idea of hiding that simply because "the rep is bad." When you find the right people who are like you [who don't enjoy it for the negative things that the reputation is all about but the positive things like the art and fun you have within the fandom], it all seems worth it. So if you believe in God in a Christian way but don't call yourself Christian simply because "Christians have a bad rep" then maybe you should take a second look at yourself and your mindset and realize that maybe you're just not the same kind of Christian as your family or certain people you know. I know some very good Christians with beliefs that I almost believe in, just slightly disagree with. It's mostly where the heart lies that's important. I don't really know what to say from there except what my dad did: It's ok that you don't know if you believe in the same thing Christian's do, just find different reasons than reputation or other people.

I'll certainly have to look more into that when I find the time. It seems very interesting, and I'd like to hear both sides. For now though, I'll say this much: If the universe had a beginning, then I believe it was merely the beginning for this universe and that it'll eventually sometime be destroyed and rebuilt again in a cycle of neverending destruction and rebuilding. I'll look into the theories though and maybe come up with something different. I dunno lolz My mind is open to new ideas

It's something even I personally find a little odd to think, a little distasteful, and something I don't really like but it's something that I believe. I believe that "good" and "evil" are merely opinions by everyone, and that there isn't a set good or evil. Yes, there are "popular" goods and evils, such as the holocaust being considered one of the "popular" evils, and the Civil Rights Movement being considered a "popular" good. That's definitely poor word choice, but you at least understand what I'm trying to say. But the reason I believe this is because people like Hitler himself must have thought that he was doing something good. I'm not trying to defend him or anything, I highly disagree with what he did and I personally find it one of the evils, but hear me out for nothing more than the purposes of understanding what I'm having difficulty saying any other way: If Hitler was just power hungry, I'm not sure that the holocaust was the route he would have taken. Many power hungry people do crazy things that tend to negitively effect people, but nonetheless I don't see why searching for nothing but power would lead him to dedicate his life - even in prision, writing out all his plans, not knowing if he'd ever be able to lead a nation to do what the Nazis did - to getting rid of the Jews and certain others until he was left with the "perfect race." I do think that he honestly saw what he was doing as just and right, and there were people who followed him under that same belief. In fact there are people today who still believe in him. I'm do not. The vast majority of society will heavily, heavily agree with me. But how is it that he can see what he did as a "clensing" of the Earth, or a survival thing [Survival of the Fittest, is what I'm referring to] if evil and good are not an opinion? All Hitler and Holocaust references aside, what exactly is evil? Sure, you can point out things and tell me that they're evil, etc. but really, what is evil? And on top of that, what is good? Without the opinion and right to choose, but as a fact, what is good and what is evil, and how can I decifer between the two? I don't really like this arguement even if I do believe in it, however, so I think I'll move right along to my conclusion...

Ultimately, I don't know enough to argue much. I do have ideas about the world, however, such as the importance and beauty of Nature and how it deserves respect, that lead me to look at certain religions and spiritualities as closer to my heart than others. I try to take a little bit out of everything, however, and not to narrow myself down to one set idea about how life should be lived. I have my ideas, while other people have their own. I respect that, I like that, and I enjoy learning about that. Heck, there might not even be a Creator at all. In that case, most of this conversation could be almost null and void haha. But regardless, I don't see myself as "not caring" but as wondering, being curious, and kind of enjoying the mystery. Also, I don't like the idea of dying thinking I'll go to Heaven or Hell or Summerland or seeing nothing but blackness or whatever my beliefs may be, and then disappointed in the end when I'm proven wrong. I'll leave the sure-ness [?] of what's on the other side to the dead, thank you.

I don't mind boucing ideas of each other, as you said, however. Feel free to e-mail me randomly or just bring up the conversation. It's fun to do :3

Thanks for reading!

My Response To My Dad's Response Part 1

My dad responded to my post about God and my thoughts on him, which in itself was a response to my friend's post. Click here if you have no clue what I'm talking about, and read that post first.

This is part 1 of 2 because I felt that giving you all the information in one post would prove confusing. So in part 1 is his response, which he gave me via e-mail, and in part 2 is my response back to him, [which I will also prolly e-mail him and my friend too XD].

Before I give you his reply, let me clear this up. I just copied and pasted both my post and my friend's post, and he assumed that I posted both. So what he had to say in response may have confused you had I not cleared that up because he quotes both her and I as if it's just me. So to clear this up even more, I've color coded everything. The text in darker red is her words, while the text in green is mine. His words are in blue. Here's what he had to say in reply to both our blog posts:

I think your thinking is very sophisticated, and thought out. I respect it and appreciate it, that is a gift not many people have - to think, because it is hard work - but its real too and worth it. I am proud of you.

I think I find almost 80-85% agreement with your post. One of the most appreciateive things Dad has found in life is others willing to tell me where they think I could use some additional comment and thought. A couple parts are unrefined so I am not sure what your thought currently is. And a couple I might disagree with I'll tell you why.

"So I've been doing a lot of thinking about belief and God lately. As many people know, I'm very confused if there is a God or not, or if he is there for me or not. In my head I can't see how a God could let such crap happen to so many people, not once but over and over and over again in their lives."

You might know this, but what you're referring to is called "theodicy" or the problem of Evil and the Problem of Suffereing. It has been debated, discussed, and thought over for ever, Plato gave a dilemma called the "Euthyphro dilemma" you could read about. These are two of the most difficult problems the philosophy of religion has ever encountered - real love, objective moral values, the existence of real evil and some mystery are the answers I have accepted - althought this problem never recedes from our minds needing to give it the upmost respect just as you have.

"...Nor will I call myself a 'Christian' because that name has a bad rep, and most Christians are hypocrites."

You shouldn't try to tackle the question of Christianity until you have settled on the matter of "God" so this is OK. Your reasoning for accepting or rejecting Christianity will based on the reasoning you have accepted regarding God. You should reject Christianity for better reasons than what others have done to its reputation and how others have behaved. Whether Christianity is true or not - there are better reasons for accepting or rejecting it. Christianity's theology itself believes that people will act and behave just as you have pointed out because we are fallen and broken. Christianity askes what we ought or can do about that.

"I believe the universe has been here forever - not beginning, nor ending."

This could be true. The cosmological argument for the existence of God if presented at its strongest is a very strong argument and you should make yourself aware of it. Also, mainstream science, cosmology and astrophysics has poovided very strong evidence for what is called a singularity of the beginning of our universe, a beginning that there was no material, space, nor time prior to it. There are speculative theories presently in vogue called string theory that inslude the possibilities of multiverses or bubble universes that proceeded ours that could be considered without beginning or end but recently scientific findings have even refutated that idea. Even these universes would have to have a beginning. You would at least want to learn about these ideas.

"I don't believe the Creator has any standards it wants us to live by, and if it does then it must have embedded them into our lives as it is by giving us something such as moral values."

This is the question of objective morality vs. subjective morality and nihilism. Do there exist objective moral values (it is wrong to cause unnecessary suffering - objective?) or are our moral values intuitions similar to our tastes in fine food, i.e. subjective? If they are subjective is there real meaning and purpose in life that isn't just our own subjective creation (nihilsim?). These are indeed grand and important questions. I believe the holocaust was objectively immoral that it was really wrong, not just a subjective opinion of a majority or people, not distasteful, not unfortunate, not in my opinion, but rather really, objectively, evil. That forces me to believe in evil and our innate ability to intuit it - a something that is real 'out there' something that exists. That leads me to believe morality, even if we struggle to get it perfectly right, is indeed innate, and our intuitions are what philosophers call 'veridical' to a real world. I don't think we live in a nihilistic world, I think we live in a moral and purposeful one - but that has rich meanings for other things we believe.

I would be happy to bounce critical ideas to help you refine your thinking if you want to e-mail further posts.

I love you, Dad
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Part 2 coming soon - link will be provided when it's finished!

Spam

Ugh I hate spam... I'd prefer that nasty shit in the container over stupid spam mail...

A couple years back I was trying to watch an anime. I found a website with plenty of videos of the series, and went to click on it. It said "you must be a user to access these videos." below that there was a link that said "Sign up free!" I clicked it, and rather than just checking the URL bar, I went straight to entering my information. Congradulations self! You were scammed! By the end of the registration, it said "Thank you for joining Adult whatever! Please check your inbox for a varification e-mail!"

I FREAKED. I was like "Oh my god...what if my parents see? What if they think I watch porn? What if--" everything was "what if this, what if that" and a lotta panicking. Mind you, I was like 13 and thought this was one of the most terrible things ever, so rather than just calming read through the e-mail to see if there was an action I could take to unsubscribe, etc. I just deleted it and hoped for the best. Now I gets tons of random sex-related e-mails:

"Penis enlargement!" "Are you single and lonely?" "Hot babes in your area!" "Buy Viagra now!"

...My reaction to this is simply SPAM. SPAM. SPAM. SPAM. But today I got one in my inbox, and my best friend and I were joking around about it, and I just found my idea funny enough to share. In my [anime] mind, I imagined these spam e-mails like door to door salesman. And this comic was formed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuWlbu-5xqY

I'm proud of what came of it X3 I find it funny even if you don't. And please excuse all of my crazy sound effects. I had fun with them...being a sound tech away from my sound board and all.

Now here's my question to you: What's your least favorite type of spam? Mine is somewhere between viargra selling spam messages and those messages where people claim they're in financial trouble, and send fake e-mails to try and scam you out of your money if you fall for it.

RE: Random Musings

This is a response to a friend's blog post that originally didn't make sense, so don't expect mine to at all either. Here's the link to the original. By the way... I have a feeling responding to my friend's blog posts is going to quickly become a regular thing XD

Please don't judge me >.< I'm crazy as it is, and replying to my friend's blog post in the form of her original post...yes. That'll make me seem just as scatterbrained as her haha Aside from that, I too have been thinking a lot about my life. With Rue [just the nickname for my boyfriend for anyone on the outside] is going to be leaving for Utah, it's been sticking to me. Anyone who doesn't know, Rue will be leaving for Utah because he got accepted into the advanced automicanic training in Job Corps. He'll be gone for two years starting this upcoming September or August, though he has no specific dates as of yet. Damn. When he comes back I'll be 19... I hope time goes by really fast... I'll be focusing on my studies while he's gone because first off I need something to do when I'm not talking to him, and secondly it's important. I do need to get my act together and actually work on my schooling, not just pretend I am. It's getting to a point where my goal is merely to not fail, and my excuse is to not set high expectations for myself. That's so stupid of me to think. Cuz how can I move in with you [refering to the one who wrote the original blog post X3] if I don't have the money to pay my half of the rent cuz I don't have a job cuz nobody will hire me cuz I failed at school XD
Complete change of subject:
God I hate not sleeping too. It's weird for me though cuz I have phases where I aboslutely hate sleep and go crazy cuz I'm just never sleeping, then I have other phases where I love it a little too much and it makes me sleep around 15 hours a day. And the hermit thing? I seriously considered it once. But I guess it made sense at the time cuz I had no friends, and the people I called friends either hated me or I honestly thought were better off without me [referencing the one friend I had at the time -_-;]. Now I think like you do: Who am I kidding? I'd never go through with it! But sometimes it sounds nice. So now my goal is to just be hermits with you and Rue and keep as little contact as possible with the rest of the world XD

I once figured I'd give vlogging a shot too... I didn't have the slightest clue what to say. It's funny. My mind could be completely blank and as soon as I come to the computer or grab a notebook, words will spill out all over the place and I'll know exactly what I'm doing and what I want to say, regardless of if it's stupid or not, but when actually talking I tend to sit there awkwardly and go "Question mark?" laugh at myself because I don't know what else to do, then click end and delete the video. Ha, efforts in just as much vain as yours.
School. Wootles? I go back in about a month too. Random sideline person: You go to the same school. No duh you both go back in a month. Back to me: ........skip to 1:19 in this video and you'll know EXACTLY what I have to say to that -_-;
Yeah, I so can't wait 'til we move in together either! It'll be great. Finally I'll be able to live in a decent living space for the things I need. My room literally is my apartment at this point. Put a bathroom and a mini-fridge in and I could live here...that's kinda sad actually X3
Love. I'm very happy with Rue, actually. I'm very proud of him for getting into Job Corps and I'm even happier that I can now say I don't love Raa anymore without feeling that weird feeling I get in my stomach when I lie to someone important to me. Now that I can think clearly about it, I realize that it was a stupid crush taken to the next level, that he hurt me and all I did was go back for more, that he's immature and self-centered, and that our entire relationship dumbed down was that he wanted to have sex with me and when I said no, he went to Kaiine. Now he's trying to get in her pants, and frankly I'm gonna let it be. Rue said it best when he told me to "leave it in the hands of fate." If Karma hits her, he does her, then leaves like he did me, then sure I'll be there for her but not until she too matures and appologizes for stabbing me in the back more than once.
I have some really great friends myself. I hate it when people flip that saying around and think quantity over quality is the best way to go. I don't understand that logic. I'd rather have only 1 friend who is actually there for me, cares about me, enjoys my company, etc. than have 100 "friends" I hardly talk to or know simply for the hell of saying "I have 100 friends!" It seems almost lonely to do that to myself... cuz then when I need the help, I may know a lot of people but in the end I don't know where to turn cuz none of them truly and honestly care about me. It's why I can't do the whole popular girl thing. Been there, done that...figured that I'd rather go back to being me over a Barbie who's only there for entertainment value. If there's anything I learned from the fucked up Raa-Kaiine situation, it's that if I can't learn to love myself or at least accept me for who I am, I can't expect anyone else too. Now that I'm accepting myself, however, Rue and my relationship has gotten much better than it was 2 years ago...and I'm glad about that. I wouldn't change it for the world. I like where I'm at with him, and if anything changes I want it to be nothing more than us getting even better.
I need to learn how to make sushi.
Seriously I do.
That way I can make them for my school lunches when that time rolls around again.
o.o
I keep veering back to the subject of Rue and I...whoops? Meh, he's always on my mind anyway so why not share? haha
I decided writing was my life in the second grade, and it's only progressed from there :3
Animals are harder to draw for me.
I need new jeans too...black jeans...black, boot cut jeans...
Hey, that's Sheoiga's favorite color :D Purple's pretty hehe
My song of the day keeps changing o.o [each word is a new song lolz]
Thank's for the news flash Cathrine Obvious XD Haha I have wanted to say that since I saw that episode of Victorious! ...yeah I know, I'm a dork...
If you ever need a good author to read the work of, read Amelia Atwater-Rhodes. She wrote about vampires before Stephanie even made Twatlight and she actually does a damn good job of it too. Plus the Hawksong series was damn good as well. My favorite writer EVAR.
Now I'm going to stop writing because I can't seem to stop thinking about Rue and I think if I keep writing it'll be all about him, everyone will comment with something like "you lovesick hinderence to humanity! How dareth you inhabit the planet!" ........ok yeah, I need sleep if I think people still talk like that XD BAI!

Family Rant >.>

When I was younger, I blamed my parents for a lot of my problems. I actually hated them with a passion. I told them nothing because I felt they would never understand or be able to help. With a few of my problems, yes, this was the case and I just have to walk my own path there. With the majority of the rest, however, they could have probably given me some fairly helpful advice. I've learned over my few years here that they do have more experience than I do and that they can tell me certain important things that I just have to listen to and do, or learn the hard way. I can't say I love my parents in the same or a similar way as they love me, but I can say that I've grown to respect them to a certain extent and that I no longer would use a word so strong as "hate" for my feelings toward them either.

I still blame my mom for a certain thing that I won't reveal on the internet, but I do respect her knowledge, her kind heart, and how she usually means well. I can't fully respect my dad for a certain thing he's done that I won't reveal on the internet, but I do feel like I'm closer to him than my mom because him and I share similar interests and he seems to get better than my mom what it means to grow up and let go. I appriciate that my mom is just being caring, but I do feel that my dad has this "she's growing up" thing more under control than she does.

Still, in many ways my parents have a tendancy to get on my nerves. I really, really just wanna move out of here.

It's things like today's events that make me feel more and more like just packing up and leaving without more than a goodbye note explaining why...

Today I woke up around 1 in the afternoon. Even though I'd slept in that long, I didn't sleep well. I'd gone to sleep paranoid [for some reason I just couldn't shake the feeling for the life of me], I'd gone to sleep at either 4 or 5 a.m., and I'd been trying to sleep through a loud sister and a working dad in between. Even though I'd gone through many phases of wake up then back to bed throughout the time I slept, I decided to officially wake up after a phone call from my boyfriend, giving me dates about when he and I could go to the Renassiance Festival together. This was supposed to be good news, but the weird way he acted when he talked to me kinda dimmed that, and rather than be happy to hear this I was more concerned. Waking up from a not-so-sound slumber only to be worried to death [Yes, I always worry more than I really should] isn't the ideal way to start you day...or at least, I don't think it is.

Anyway, moving along in my day [the only thing I could do], my plan was to ask my dad where the rocks, net, etc. were that he told me he'd gotten yesterday so that I could finally clean my 26 gallon fish tank. That's all that I figured I'd be doing all day, that and maybe a few simple things on the computer like check my e-mail. I go to ask my dad where that stuff is and he says "I'll get it for you tomorrow." In other words, he told me that he'd get it yesterday and then just plain didn't.

I don't tell him this, but in my mind I'm saying, "...uh... I needed to clean the tank YESTERDAY. I set it back by a day because I got home at 9 and was too tired to clean the bathroom and the tank. 3 of my fish died, and if it wasn't them killing each other, it was the state of the tank that got them sick 'til they died. I NEED TO CLEAN IT NOW." I couldn't complain of this because my dad would say something like "I need to work," or "I said we'd go tomorrow," and I didn't wanna start something big over something that wouldn't have mattered to him anyway.

That pretty much cleared my whole day. I had no clue what to do. So I just kinda did nothing important. I replied to the forums on FurNation, got some more eggs on Dragon Cave, and talked to a friend on the phone. My dad gave me some sushi and I ate it all, then did nothing important for a few more hours. I was gonna draw, but quickly lost interest and played some AudioSurf instead. Then I was gonna read but figured I should leave something new for me to do later. So I just talked to my friend some more and then was like "ugh...I'm hungry." and went to go get something to eat. I take a look in the fridge, in the freezer, then in a few cabnets, a snack drawer [near empty by now], and then the counter tops. On the counter there's a ton of snacks but I want a meal. I've eaten nothing but that sushi since sometime around 3 or 4 the day before and I'm starving. I look in the fridge again and there's a bunch of too-old-to-eat leftovers, some more snacks that really only my sister likes, and a crap load of cheese. I'm like "ugh, no real food?" and so I look in the freezer again and all I see is a bunch of food I do not know how to cook. I overlook all of it and go back to the cabnet and I'm faced with even more snacks. All I can say is "food?" and I think of the King Soopers within 15 minutes of walking distance and take a look outside. It's raining. Hard. Now for my next move: I walk upstairs and before I can say a word, my mom who is knitting asks me "Can you keep washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen until it's all done please?" Like no joke, that's exactly what she asked. I'm a little baffled cuz my chores in the kitchen involve nothing more than cleaning my messes, clearing my plate, and doing the dishes when it's my turn. All that other crap is whatever my sister and her little friend did during their last sleepover, and I'm not about to clean all that up when I was under the impression that it was my sister's job. I'll tackle half of the mountain of dishes and do the rest when I go back down to unload the dish washer again, and that's it, thank you.

It's not a huge deal or anything that she wants some of the mess clean [frankly I do too] so I just say "sure" but only plan on cleaning some dishes and hoping she doesn't tell me to clean up my sister's messes later.

She nods and then looks up at me and says, "And when you do the dishes, you can put more than 10 dishes in at a time."

I'm almost offended by the remark. I'm thinking, "You don't even DO the dishes anymore. We used to take turns but it's only been me for the past month. Don't tell me I'm not doing them right, especially after I had to re-load the dishwasher with the same dishes again twice when SOMEONE made it too full and nothing got washed." Again, I don't want a large confrontation so I simply tell her "I don't." Before I can say anything along the lines of "I wash as many dishes as I can," she simply says "ok" and gets back to her knitting.

I shake it off, then I tell her, "My reason for coming up here, though, was cuz I was wondering if one of you could drive me to King Soopers so I can get something to eat." My mom can hardly hear me over my dad's video so I repeat myself and she only focuses on her knitting. I ask again in about a minute, figuring she's just finishing a stitch then she'll answer.

Finally a reply. She says "I don't know," and doesn't even look up to say it, so rather than battle her for an answer I turn to my dad.

"Hey dad, can you drive me to King Soopers so I can get something to eat?" I'm not asking much. The drive takes around 3 or 4 minutes, then about 5 or 10 minutes for me to grab a microwave meal and a drink, then check out and come back outside. The whole trip would take no more than 20 minutes and that's assuming we take our sweet time. If not, he could always just drive me to the next door subway or something. All I needed was a ride since it was raining and a few bucks.

Still, my dad says no and starts going on this rant to me about how he's driven everywhere today: "I've been driving so much today. I've gone to McDonald's for your sister, earlier I went to King Soopers for you..." We both knew he had more in mind, but he cuts himself short, "...why don't you just eat the rest of that sushi anyway?"

"I ate it already, dad. I threw away the container a couple hours ago."

"Well I can't be driving you guys to all these places all the time. I just--"

I interrupt him before this becomes more than it needs to be. "Ok, fine, I just wanted something to eat but whatever." And I walk downstairs.

"No, honey I'm not mad at you..." I just keep walking cuz I don't wanna hear his half-assed apology. He doesn't need to apologize. I just think it's stupid that he can't simply get up and bring me to a place not even that far away so I can go in and get food. He doesn't even have to leave the car if he doesn't want to.

Rather than get right to doing the dishes, I pop in Oblivion, move the couch forward so I can actually see, and starting playing with my new Dark Elf character. I've barely started the game again, so nothing interesting happens. All I do is go through a bunch of character-developing things, get tons of items, and gain the Amulet of Kings after the Emperor dies. Nothing new. Nothing to really think about. So I think about my dad and things like it. My mental mini-rant was something like this:

"All I asked for was something to eat. I looked downstairs for food and there's nothing but snacks and meals I don't know how to cook. He knows damn good and well that I can't cook. That's why he got me sushi earlier, which I never asked him to do and I'm glad he did but really... it's been at the very least 2 hours since I got rid of the container... that's around 3 hours at least since I last ate the only thing I've eaten today at all, and I didn't even eat that much. Spicy tuna is gross, and that package was half-spicy, so I ate a good fourth of the package before the dogs ate the rest. I guess he doesn't know that so maybe I shouldn't complain...but still, it's not like he's even working. He's just watching a video on that Anthony vs. Florida case or whatever. And my mom didn't even hear me! She was too busy knitting to do a damn thing! Well, besides tell me to clean the kitchen but psh that's not fully my job. I'll do my part but she can do the rest. It's not my mess, and until I move out with my boyfriend I refuse to clean up anyone else's messes... especially my sister's. She is a pig, and she'll never learn how to clean if it's always done for her. Ugh, and my parents are just being flat out lazy lately... my mom needs to take me to the eye doctor. I swear, my eyesight's getting worse. I need glasses. I guess I'll just leave the couch forward everytime I play on the Xbox and eventually they'll ask. If that doesn't give them the hint then hopefully I don't go blind before my 18th birthday and I'll just get my own glasses. I'll get my own everything, cuz they don't know how to anymore. They're really slacking lately. This is stupid, but whatever. I won't complain. I guess I just won't eat today."

So for hours I didn't. I just played Oblivion 'til it got boring and too loud [cuz of my sister and her friend] to play anyway, then went and did some of the dishes. That was nothing but a frustration since for some reason my parents think that if you put the silverware that doesn't fit in the small basket on the top rack that everything gets clean. Actually no...it wastes space in the dishwasher, and almost none of the silverware gets clean and it all needs to be washed again. So I have to pick and choose which dishes are dirty, which are clean, and I need to re-organize half the shit in it to make sure things gets clean. Once I get as many dishes PROPERLY in the dishwasher, I walk back upstairs and plan on nothing more than going up to my room, doing something random on the computer [eh, blogging?] and then reading and going to bed late as usual. I'm in a bad mood, but most of why I'm in a bad mood is my worry for my boyfriend making every little thing seem like a bigger deal than it is. Because of this, all I want is to walk by my parents and lock myself up in my room for the night. Still, my dad sees me and is compelled to say, "Hi sweetie." of which I again cannot complain about. It's nothing more than my dad being nice.

"Yeah hi." I reply monotonously and try to get past my mom, sprawled out on the floor still knitting, so I can go to my room.

"What's wrong?" He stops me.

I can't just start ranting about how today went by in a way that just perfectly aligned to give me such a rotten mood so I just sigh and say, "I'm just hungry is all. I haven't eaten much all day."

Suddenly it's I'll-get-you-whatever day. "Well ok, let's go. Want subway?"

If I wasn't in such a shitty mood, I'd have facepalmed. "They aren't open anymore."

"Oh...well, uh, what did you want at King Soopers?"

"I don't know, I just wanted something to eat. Anything, just a real meal." I'm about to walk to my room when he stops me again.

"Well then do you want me to make you a steak?" I can't say no to that.

"Sure." I say and then finally walk to my room.

In my room, I think about how angry I was earlier and how nice of a gesture my dad made when I was in a bad mood. He brings me the steak and when I ate it, it was really good. What he brought me was the equivilent of a meal we'd have if we all sat down for a nice dinner together. I can't complain about it because it's nice. I tell him goodnight on his way out and figure the next time I leave my room will be when I go to do the dishes again then I'll just read The Legend of Drizzt some more and head to bed. But I decided to make this blog post instead.

At first I felt I needed to rant, but once I got to eating my meal my mood settled a bit. I mean, I texted my boyfriend again and I'm still very worried about him, but that's it's own deal. I'm done letting it just effect my mentality and making me such a downer.

So to reflect on everything, yeah. My parents get on my nerves - I said that in the beginning - and I still really, really wanna get out of this house and into my own with people I want to spend the rest of my life "dealing" with :P But that doesn't mean that my parents were being bad people or anything. My mom just wanted the house clean, and hell I had time to spare. Why not clean a little bit? My dad needed a break from work and driving and I can respect that. Sometimes I need a break from what seems like simple tasks myself. I'm glad I didn't complain to them or nag them about it all.

It just overall comes down to I'm growing up, I want my own place and to not worry about anyone's needs but my own. I keep thinking about how much better it'll be to move in with my boyfriend, but eh it'll be the same deal only I'm not pulling his weight. I'll help him learn organization, but he's ultimately gonna be responsible for his half of it all. It'll be nice to move out, but it'll provide it's own stresses. I guess I just gotta learn how to deal with that. *shrugs* Yay for growing up?

Ha I dunno. Really I did just need to rant. Bleh XP

RE: Foamy's Rant - Social Network of Idiots II

This post is in response to this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78JNVMujZVE

Because stupidity seems to perpetuate itself, every so often I need to follow up and remind the masses why they're being fucking stupid. So, once again, we return to the wonderful world of social networking. The friend's list in particular.

Oh goodie. People being stupid. What else is new?

Hiya. I just figured I'd go on a rant of my own, because this rant of Foamy's hit home for me. I've been telling people about this crap for years. YEARS. Yet pretty much nobody listens to me, thinking that I have no wisdom and that they know all...bullshit. Not saying I know all, either, but the least they could do is hear my side of the story.

I do want to add to this, however, the side that people show in reality that just makes all the crap on social networking sites all the worse. So while I post what Foamy had to say, I'll be putting my two-cents in...not cuz I'm better, but just cuz I need to rant. Why? I too am sick of people, especially the people doing a lot of this crap to me in my life right now.

What makes me want to encourage mass hangings is when people on your friend's list start bickering amongst each other, causing all sorts of problems among the rest of your friends. It's a bunch of "he said, she said" pseudo-intellectual arguments with an all around egocentric mentality causing everyone involved to think their view is the right view.

I'm not one to say "go kill yourself" but if you just can't get it and on top of that you're one of those people who turns to the internet because "nobody in reality understands my deep thought process" then I must agree with Foamy. Mass hangings encouraged there.

I hate the people who just can't seem to see it from the other side. You're in an argument with two people, two sides, two different views. The least you can do - even if you disagree with it that heavily - is put yourself in the other person's shoes and see their side of this whole fiasco. That will either (A) help you understand and cause you to realize where you are wrong or (B) help you win this argument without simply saying "I'm right cuz I say so!" Just to let you know, "buddy," you aren't always right. If you took a second to listen to what the other person is wasting hours of their life typing away on a computer screen just so that they can tell you and try to get it through your thick skull could very well be important knowledge. And if it isn't then your time isn't wasted...you've just gained a very good advantage on this other person because you can now dig into where they see as logical and turn it around on them, saying "this is where you see it but it's untrue because..." and then give your side.

I'm not just referring to these internet scenarios though either. I'm referring to the situations where people are just yelling at each other back and forth, where the two people are constantly repeating what they just said with nothing changed but the wording. They say things like, "you just don't understand," and "it's like this" to get the other side to listen to their repeated nonsense. When someone butts in with a question, trying to hear the facts that they supposedly have to back up their views, you get nothing but "uhhh..." "I don't know, actually." and/or "I don't need a reason!" in response. If not, then all they do is repeat their previous bullshit yet again and tell you not to interrupt them when you say anything about the repetition.

It's an endless cycle that can easily be changed if people will just think about what the opposite party has to say rather than wasting hours of their life raising their voice and letting every word spoken, even their own, go in one ear and out the other. Yes, I am saying you should listen to what you say as well.

No one rationalizes, no one thinks things through, and so now all this in-fighting has you caught in the middle where both sides want you to choose sides...and of course, being the rational one, you don't wanna do that because all you can think of is that these people are all fucking stupid and they need to drink Drano!...and stop bitching.

Oh god yes, please stop bitching people... if you're not listening to what the other party has to say, then they are most likely not listening to you either.

Let's start with the cyber crap. Do you really think that just because there is a computer between you now that it'll keep you safe later when it's all face-to-face? No, it won't. In fact doing this crap online is stupider than saying it to someone's face even if they were gonna pound your face in for saying it. Saying this crap online does the following:
A) You may also have this advantage, but you are giving the other party the advantage of the internet as well. So if you are googling all your facts and using at least a little logic, they probably also are, putting the two of you at a stale-mate [in which recruiting friends in a mini-army will not solve by the way].
B) You are giving this person to re-look at everything you said and think every little thing through before they say something. In reality, they might have just said "Alright, you win. I'm wrong." but when waiting for responses, you and the opposing party have near unlimited amounts of time to process the reply given to them, therefore make a harder-to-beat response. Again, you may have this advantage as well but giving it to your enemy only makes this neutral ground [in which recruiting friends in a mini-army will not solve by the way].
C) Proof and evidence. If you dare to utter anything that could be considered cruel, threatening, racist/sexist/etc., or anything along those lines, you've just put it out on the internet where anyone can come by and read it. Not only that, but if the opposite party finds the statement cruel enough, they could end up bringing your petty argument to court with outlined details of the entire conversation, which ends up in lose money, wasted time, and possibly even jail or fines depending on the seriousness of the comment and how things went in court [in which recruiting friends in a mini-army will not solve by the way].

If you know what you're saying and say it with confidence as well as facts on your side, you shouldn't worry about what the person will do or say when you're face-to-face. Besides, even if they do beat you, you have bruises as proof and can take them to court for it even if you did threaten their life [because do they have proof like yours? Not at all! (that's not the way it really works lolz)].

But no one ever stops bitching. They just start deleting friends from their list, like it even matters; like deleting someone is empowering or something; like it gives you the last word.

Let me say something on this alone: What does clicking the delete button really mean? It means nothing but less access to one another's profile information. It doesn't mean anything deep or hurtful - it just means you don't like the person enough to let them see your full photo album, or to view a few old status updates. I'm not saying it's not a smart move to block someone who is being truly harassing, rude, or annoying. I'm just saying that it's not as big a deal as you are making it out to be. If you want to end the friendship, you should probably tell them in person and before doing that you should maybe take a step away from the computer and discuss things like civil people.

The same thing with the kids who are so on-off with their friendships that you can't even tell when they love or hate each other anymore. I can't stand it when my sister comes home and starts complaining about drama between two of her friends who are apparently no longer friends all because of the previously mentioned by Foamy "he said, she said" bullshit. I can hardly hear her anymore because all that's on my mind is "when did this start happening in the 4th grade? When I was in the forth grade the worst that happened to me was I fell off my scooter, my gameboy batteries died in the middle of a Pokemon gym battle, or I didn't get a sticker when I got my spelling test back."

These kids need to stop and smell the roses! They can save that for junior high and high school, and for now just enjoy their childhood while it lasts. And if they pull the "I'm mature for my age" line, then that's damn skippy for you. Still, argumentation can't be done in an intelligent fashion at your age unless you're one of those star-children-geniuses and are about to graduate Harvard at 8. That's not even mentioning your maturity, which has nothing more to do with arguing than that fact that you seem less mature when you argue about stupid things as well as let it effect you to the point of ending a potentially great relationship.

What if the person you deleted fucking hates you and all you've done is pushed the button to end a friendship the other person didn't want in the first place making you seem like a petty bastard giving the other person everything they wanted to begin with!? Makes you look like a sucker...sucker. Do you really think you've won some insignificant discussion? Do you really think your view is now more valid because you eliminated the other party? Cuz it doesn't really work that way. You win a debate by winning a debate. You win it with facts, real facts, and knowledge. And if you can't discuss things rationally, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Keep the peace, and let it go.

I have nothing more to say about this than I completely and totally agree with you, Foamy.

But...no one ever does. So now you're still caught in the middle of all this bullshit wondering [even at the age of 12] if you're a little too old to be dealing with this juvenile behavior.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that arguing with people with such strong view points is the equivilant of arguing with a brick wall. If you're luckily on the outside and being dragged in, be the bigger person and think like Foamy is hoping you will. The arguments are mostly ridiculous, and the fact that the people arguing cant's seem to present any more information than they already have brought to the table is doing nothing at this point but ruining your day and filling up your Facebook wall with curses and repeated sides of the same two stories.

So your friend's list along with everyone else's friend's list dwindles down from 200 to 6 all because you didn't choose sides, so both parties think you're siding with the other side. Stupid. You know, it might be healthy for everyone to weed out the trouble-makers on their friend's list - both parties - like they're 5 years old. "You both go in the corner until you can admit you're all FUCKIN' STUPID. Then, maybe, I'll re-add you."

Think of this as a good thing, because if someone isn't even level headed enough to realize that they aren't always right they aren't worth your time, and will only cause future headaches and emotional pain if you get too attached to them. Also, take that as a heavy hint that needs to be reassured. Keep the same views you have online as you do offline and in reality. If you're so stupid as to let yourself stoop to their level and delete them as an online friend, then try and play nice with them in reality after admitting you hate their guts in a private message, otherwise you're on the same level as them. Don't take things so far, like letting their words emotionally cut you to pieces, but don't be so naive as to think that the internet and reality are two different worlds to be lived two different ways. Regardless of what you want to think, you are you on and offline. Don't pretend otherwise - it causes you too much unnecessary trouble.

I close with only one thing: feel free to discuss this matter with me, or rant your own input in a comment, etc. I hate people too just in a fairly logical way beyond hating for the joy of hating. The rest of my conclusion I will leave up to Foamy, who ended on the most perfect note:

The thing to remember, folks: Everyone sucks. Everyone blows. And everyone lies. The world is a sphere of bickering jackasses whose own opinions seem to be more important than basic human civility. Getting tired of this people! Keep that crap on your own page, and leave. me. OUT OF IT...ass! Now where's my chocolate?

Random End Note: I HATE MY SLOW COMPUTER!!! Internet.....stop......freezing...... o.e
Extra Note: I wrote this somewhere between 4 and 6 in the morning so if there are typos, I'll probably fix them later...if they're still there then DEAL.

RE: Random Musings

This is in response to a friend's blog post, which you can read here.

I too have been thinking of things like God and whether or not he/she/it/whatever the fuck is existent. I have stumbled on a different conclusion, however, than that of a Christian one.

I have stated my viewpoint about "God" and their involvement in our lives in a previous blog post, but I'll still review just in case you don't want to go read yet another long semi-pointless thing: I believe that the Creator or God or whatever you wanna call it [I'll go with Creator just to make things simple] is nothing more than a Creator. I believe that there was a beginning somewhere, probably within the asexual realm, and that it made different versions of itself until it just got sick of that, maybe made a bunch of itself combine and within that created a different being. Through this beginning of life, I believe we are all connected in one way, shape, or form. I'm not saying that's exactly what I believe was the beginning and that's exactly how I believe it happened, just offering one explanation that may or may not make sense. Feel free to prove or disprove that theory all you want, I couldn't care less. Point is, I believe that life started somewhere and just as a small add-on, I believe the universe has been here forever - not beginning, nor ending.

Moving on: I believe that somewhere everything began from one creature and somehow over time [however long it may have been] more creatures were created from this one simple beginner. This doesn't talk about our formation, however. This only talks about the creation of another species, the second species, the species many humans look to as a God. I don't know if all these creatures got together and decided to run planets, together or apart, but I can say that I think they're powerful. You gotta be powerful to create and run a whole planet, or at the very least significantly more powerful than us. Also, going back to my word-choice: "planets." Yes, yes I do believe that there is life on other planets. It just wouldn't make any sense whatsoever if the life on Earth was the only life out there in the universe and all it's expanse. Back to my previous statements...powerful? Yes, the Creator[s] is/are powerful. It could be one Creator, or two, or a vast many - I don't know and neither does anybody else. However many there are, though, I highly doubt they're sitting there watching over us 24/7 and not only one of us, but ALL of us. Even if you do say "fuck you" to all the plants and animals and whatnot on this planet, and only focus on the humans, that's still a lot more than I think one Creator would like to handle. I dunno if you've played any Sims games, but if you have [or any game similar to it], running one, two, or even three lives is hard enough. You have to make sure they're doing this, be sure they do something else later, remember whether or not they've done that... it's hard. Now imagine if your Sim talked to you, requested specific things beyond the four wishes you can promise you'll grant in the Sims3. Listening to and granting the wishes of 1 or 2 Sims would get overwhelming...now imagine running the lives of, listening to, and granting the wishes of over 3 billion Sims. You wouldn't have the time. Trying to organize a method where you grant at least one wish to each would be beyond maddness. Running all their lives? Ha, screw that! Unless this creature goes beyond time and space, has dedicated it's life to our simple little planet and all it's on-goings, has more eyes than fits it's body, hears everything telepathically, and has a mind that can organize thoughts more efficiently and effectively than everything on our planet combined...then I just don't see how the Creator could do everything that many religions claim - "God is always watching over you." It doesn't quite makes sense to me. Not only that, but I didn't even mention it's distractions... So that sort of a make-up is provided that it has nothing to prevent it from moving and it's train of thought and works-in-progress are never interrupted as long as it lives, however long that may be...even eternally [random note: all that makes me wonder how many people will be scared to see their Creator in its true form haha].

I'm not trying to compare our Creator to a human or animal, I think it does go beyond our standard thinking and ideas, but I do think it has a biology...that it's not just a machine that cannot think or do things of it's own accord. I believe that the Creator has a life full of feelings, and has a mind beyond that of a humans with more complications than we could ever hope to face. Our Creator probably has more problems to deal with than something so simple as moral values, life and death, and gaining more knowledge and organizing it all. So many different things to think about and focus on probably mean more to do than focus on all the humans on Earth and their lives. Wouldn't you think so too?

I believe the Creator has a personality of sorts, probably makes mistakes as well, and that the only "perfect" being was not a man named Jesus who set foot on Earth, wasn't a talking thing in the sky that people call "He" and refer to as "Father". No, no. I believe that the only "perfect being" if there even is such a thing would have to be that absolute beginner, that first ever creature gifted with what one simple language of one simple species on one speck of a planet calls life. A thing filled with more, much MUCH more, than the four-letter word it doesn't deserve to be titled entails. That is the one and only perfect being, if anything the entire universe and more, is, was, and ever will be is to be considered perfect: the first form of life.

Back to my beginning statement, the Creator and it's personality... I do believe that it has one. One that other creatures within the Creator's species may think has flaws or faults and at the same time has positives and good parts within. Who knows? Our Creator may be a sick bastard with no more interest in our lives than facing us with pain and torment, and the only reason there is such a thing as good in our lives is so we can have bad, and suffer within the bad every day of our lives and longer. Or our Creator could be a kind soul who loves each and every one of us with the compassion and love beyond that of a parent. What I would rather think of the Creator as, however, is something that in the human world would be considered a "good guy." All I mean by this is that I think the personality of the Creator is that of a creature with good intentions, but a few dark secrets. A creature who has good relationships with some, but bad relationships with others. A creature who wants nothing more out of life than to find the joy in it and feel that joy and happiness as long as it can. I can't see the Creator as something so...so stereotypical as an angel or a devil, as the definition of good or evil, as anything so flipped on the scale that it has no balance - it's just the heavier or lighter side. I don't get how it could be.

My point with this "the Creator has a personality" statement is this: The Creator has a personality therefore... The Creator has interests and places and things it lacks interest in. The Creator may have been our Creator, but I do think that it's creations are not the one and only thing it has in it's life. I believe there are many more things out there the Creator has to focus on or not focus on - however you want to put it. I also believe that the Creator is nothing more than a creator of our kind, however it went about creating us.

To specifically refer to my friend's blog post, I do not know if the creator even knows about something as minuscule as one of the things man made [a bible]. I don't believe the Creator has any standards it wants us to live by, and if it does then it must have embedded them into our lives as it is by giving us something such moral values. I don't believe that the Creator would have man write such a book at all. I think the Creator would leave such things as molding our society in our own hands. The Creator also would probably have merely spoken to us all if he wanted us to live by certain morals, or at least the great many that would listen like a teacher would conduct a class. I also don't think the Creator would consider one human its "one and only son," nor would it do such specific, symbolical things as leave it's son to die or write a symbolic text, then expect this to be its way of telling us what to do and how to live the lives it granted us with. It's too much like if a parent wanted to force their son or daughter to live a certain way - almost a waste of it's time. I'm not saying I deny this possibility, just don't believe too heavily in it. I think that if the Creator wanted us to do one thing or another, it would have molded us to do such things - not tested us to see if we would or wouldn't. We are its creations, not it's slaves. It did have the control in our making, and I don't think that it would just later decide something such as "I want them to live by these statements." If it cared enough, it'd put life on another planet and just see how it fairs with the differences in making. Maybe I'm just putting myself in the eyes of the Creator by saying a lot of this, but nonetheless I just can't see a man-made creation like a book suddenly becoming such a relevant thing to the Creator. Not to mention that we may not even communicate the same way as the creator. What if we can't communicate with our Creator at all?

One way or another, we all ended up on this planet as a result of something... be it evolution, reincarnation, a Creator, or whatever other ideas there are out there. I also know another thing: No matter what interest the Creator has in it's creations, I do not think that we are it's main focus and even if we are we are most certainly not it's only focus, so why should it be ours? You're living your life here and now. You're not dead - you're alive. And even if one day you meet your maker, why don't we just let it be that day? Why must people dedicate their lives to giving thanks to their Creator? You don't dedicate your lives to giving thanks to your parents do you? How do you know the Creator will even appreciate this? What if the Creator scoffs at you and/or treats you the same way a powerful and strong person being stalked treats their weak and pathetic stalker? Nobody knows until they get there who or what the Creator is or how they'll be treated by the Creator...hell, we don't even know if the Creator is alive, dead, or even so much as exists. No matter what the case, live your life for you - the only person you know you are forever stuck with.